Friday, December 19, 2008

Ho-HO-ho

edit at bottom..



Well this time of year is upon us once again. Not only is it colder than witches tits and brass monkey balls or whatever I have heard flying around the playground, but its also the Holiday Season.

Nope, can't call it...Christmas.....

I'm just saying, you cant, or you will die or have flames shoot out your ass or whatever.

Every year at this time I swear the next year I will be a fully converted Jew. And I am even too lazy to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I want to celebrate the birth of the Savior as much as the next Non Jew guy, but alas, I hate everything that the HOLIDAY stands for anymore.

I hate the trees, I hate the shopping, I hate the wrapping, I hate the chaos it causes in my house and most of all I hate that the FIL feels the need to invite himself over at this time of year.

And well, I will leave it at that.

But he is coming after Christmas. Although he said that if the gas prices went up or if the weather was bad, he may not come.

So just for a couple days, I am hoping gas goes to about 20 bucks a gallon, so fill up now...

We are getting a snow storm this weekend, but I am sure the mess will be cleared enough by next week..unless the county road crews go on strike or something..I will rule nothing out.

I did finally put the tree back up, although I nearly had the bitched cleared out to the road after it fell over and all my good stuff was broken into a million pieces.

I thought the falling of the tree was a sign I should convert to the Jew life..

The hubs told me it was a sign we need to keep the cat outta the tree.

Whatever.

My baby Boo went got her ears pierced today. She wanted pink diamonds. Real ones.

Thats what she said.

She looks so cute with her pink diamonds.

The other day Boo and Blondie broke the wishbone from the turkey, I forgot all about it so it has been sitting in the window sill for almost a month now.

Before the girls broke it, I told them each to make a wish and I explained to Boo that if she got the bigger half her wish would come true..

gotta give the kids false hope sometimes, its the parental thing to do

So the girls made wishes and they broke it.

Boo got the bigger half, she was all smiles...

I asked her what she wished for, because you wonder what goes thru a 5 year olds head when wishes are concerned.

She told me this..

"you will see"

Like she thought it would appear from the sky at any moment.

I told her she better tell me so in case it comes and she is not here, I know what I am looking for.

She then informed me she wished for a unicorn.

So I have been watching the UPS guy every time he comes by, looking to see if he is packing a one horned mythical creature in the back of his truck.

So far, nothing..and the UPS man is hottest guy in town, I mean no one should look that good in brown pants and a big square truck, but honestly he is a beautiful man...like he belongs on a calender in his underwear kinda hottness. He has the best arms, the nicest legs..

Ok enough about that..but I would love to see him under my tree with a Santa hat.

Nothing but a Santa hat.

I'm just sayin.

I hope everyone has all their ducks in order for the holiday..

Nothing like waiting until the last minute. I know some people work well under pressure, and I am not one of them...well I am, but I do not like it.

Anyway, this will be my last post until the new year, unless something happens and I just have to tell you.

But I highly doubt it.

So I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanuka..or whatever you celebrate.

Cuddle with the kids, snuggle with a bottle of your favorite liquor and get nasty with the Santa in your house, and if you are the Santa...go you!

Hope Santa is good to all of you..I am sure u have all been good boys and girls.

Love to all and..

Ho HO Ho. And Happy New Year



**..turns out i nearly severed my middle digit over the weekend...


wanna see?


i thought so u sick perv..


i have some stitches and a sore arm cause i had to get a damn tetnus shot as well.
so with that...have a darn good holiday.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

cold hearted snake

Over the last couple days it has been colder than a witches tit, whatever the hell that means.



Yesterday it was no warmer then negative 10, and now today it has warmed up to -7..I do not even look at the wind chill factor, because frankly when its that cold with no wind, it really does not matter much after that.



The schools were delayed two hours yesterday, why I am unsure because we did not get much snow..anyway, I knew I had to drive The Boy over to the Middle School as I knew I may get a call from Child Protective Services if they saw his ass walking in the 13 below zero streets. So in turn I knew I was going to have to drop Blondie off at the bus stop because unlike years past, the bus does not pick her up at the house anymore and now she must walk a few blocks and around the bend.



Anyhoo, I go out to warm up my car, because no one wants to sit in a car when its 100 below zero without at least cold heat blowing at your feet.



I go outside to start it, and ALL the doors on my car are frozen shut..SHIT.



I go try Hubs car, ALL his are frozen shut as well..so Now I need to think fast or these hoodlums are here all day..



To make a long story short, the hoodlums were here all day.



When I caleld the schools to let them know the tots were not coming, well they got a good giggle as to why..I then had to let them now I thought it was sort of assnine to delay it two hours because it sure as hell was not any warmer at 10am then it was at 8am, and when it is that cold, u should not even think a parent would allow a tot to even stand at the bus stop for one minute.



So yesterday was a long day...



But I made damn sure my doors opened today.



I was not taking any chances on them being here two days.



Here is a video I made last week..its Blondie being interviewed by her brother.



And the Hannah sheis talking about is her freind who use to live across the street that moved to Alaska..



I know..cold..






video




Today is a good day to wear a double layer of dungaree's...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

a little ditty, bout jack and diane

I don't really have much to blog about right now..

Sure I have gym stories, sure I have tot stories...

But guess what..I have a video..

A video outweighs a good story any day..

I have a feeling I will be failing a test soon..

I know..random..

Here is the video..

Oh and my dog knocked down my tree and I do not want to put it back up but everyone else is making me..

Ok, here is the video, I swear to God..


video

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

pink houses

I am officially tired of winter. And it has not even started yet.

Just thought I would let you know..

Remember when I was telling you about that tree of mine that still had leaves, well, it still has leaves...

I went to the gym yesterday. I was on some machine that is like an elliptical, but it is not..

anyway, I was going along and I wanted to adjust the resistance, because it was not high enough for me, and as I took my hand off the handle things, I nearly fell right off, right onto the cold dark floor.

Oh the humility.

Then after I was done, a man got on the same one, and it appears he was adjusting something too, but he was more unfortunate then I, because he actually lost his footing, I am sure I heard him say the F word..

Normally when I head to the gym I wear a pair of shorts under my sweats and take the sweats off when I arrive. For some reason yesterday I did not wear shorts under the dungaree's. And I forgot that.

It could have been arrested for indecent exposure... but I wasn't..I caught myself just in time.

That would of been bad, very very bad.

I mean hell, I have left the tanning salon room before without my shirt on..Its nothing new for me to forget to put clothing on.

And its not like I enjoy being nekkid, cause I do not. Well I do not mind if am showering or bathing, or doing naughty things with a certain hubs, but that is about it.

Even when I birthed out my kids I insisted all three times I keep my shirt on. No one likes their boobies hanging all out, and those gowns just are not a made for good boob coverage.

trust me on this. I mean if you are have barely there boobies, then you are ok, but anything more then a full c cup and you have boobage hanging out the sides of those bastards. Right where your arm should be.

But back to my story, I nearly whipped off my trousers in front of God and everyone.

People do not use the terms trousers or dungaree's enough.

Lets start doing that, shall we?

wow Suzie, those trousers make your bottom look so hot..

damn Martha, your dungaree's really make that booty of yours pop.

See, it kinda rolls right off the tongue.

Or you can try it this way..

damn Wayne, is that a cucumber in your dungaree's or are you just happy to see me?

It works both ways.

Give it a try today, you will be pleasantly surprised, I am sure of it. People will think you have class and charisma.

I'm just sayin.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

What I am is what I am...

So we did the Christian thing over the weekend and placed a live tree in the confines of my dwelling. I have big time issues with the whole tree in my house thing. its not that I hate Christmas trees per-say, its just I think cutting down a live tree to place lights and ornaments on it, is like murdering a good tree..



Ok, who I am kidding, I don't really give a shit about that, its the mess I don't like. The needles, the boxes you have to bring down from the attic, the chaos, the mess, the broken light strands, the ornament hooks falling on the ground for an unsuspecting foot to step on which in turn will cause a trip to the ER and a good tetanus shot.



I just can not handle my house in disarray. It makes me crabby and causes me to have bloating and bad gas.



The whole tree thing is just a puzzle to me to begin with. I just do not see the fascination with putting a tree, living or plastic, inyour home. I swear when my kids move out, I will not be putting a tree up anymore..My baby boo thinks Santa won't come if the tree is not in place.



That damn Santa anyway..Who needs him?



I sure as hell do not need him. He gets all the credit for all the good shit I buy for those tots.



Although my 6th grader knows that Santa is going through an economic crisis, the other two do not realize this.



It is going to be hard to explain to the tots why Santa only left them a pack of gum, tic tacs, and some underwear.



But hell, those things always come in handy. You can never have too much underwear..



And why do people call it a "pair" of underwear, when clearly, all underwear is worn in the singular form, unless you have some rare birth defect and have been afflicted with two asses..and then I apologize.



Here is the tree.























*




























*
*
*


Notice my baby girl...She is wearing jeans, and fashionable sweater with a nice dress overlay. She loves to dress herself.






I have been told about this job. To be a reporter for our local paper. Someone is suppose to get a hold me me this week. I am unsure I want to do this, yet I think it may be very entertaining, and this bitch loves to be entertained.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Well, my gym experience is turning out to be a great thing..Not only do the down Syndrome dudes think I am hot, the one young guy thinks I have great muscular legs and the one guy that drools on the treadmill is always winking at me.

I don't know what home those guys live at, but I make sure I am there whenever their van pulls in.

We middle aged women need an ego boost where ever we can find it.


My son came home from school today at 3:30. Which was odd because he normally does not come home until like 5:30 or so, because he stays after school everyday for some study group thing....

So he comes hobbling in my door wearing a nice shiny pair of crutches.

I think to myself..

self, what the hell is your kid doing with crutches and what disabled kid did he beat up to get those?..I am not gonna wanna take THAT phone call.

I guess he fell in gym class and skinned up his knee or something and the Jr High school nurse felt it warranted a good crutch.

But I wonder why they do not call the parent of said child to warn them they are coming home with crutches, so we do not think they beat up a disabled guy on the way home.

Not that my kid has ever beat up anyone before, but I mean ya never know...I do not know what he does between here and the school grounds.

He may live a double life...

But I guess...he...does...not.

I want to to talk to you people about this show I watch. this show is something else.

Its called..

The Drs

It is a talk show format with a couple of doctors on there...

One is a gyno, one is a pediatrician, one is a plastic surgeon and the other one, I refer to him as the Head Douche bag.

This show is like a train wreck and I can not stop watching it.

I do not know what it is about douche bags, but I am drawn to them like flies on a dung ball.

I feel as though I have a galloping case of the stupids when I am done watching it.

another show that makes me have the willy's is that show with the couple with 18 kids.

Holy shit, what cult is that called?

Oh yeah, the douche bag cult...they are the leaders.

I was watching it one day and their oldest son, whom is 20 or something like that, got engaged to this girl he barley knows..

They have never kissed and the have to go on chaperoned dates and had to ask to make sure it was ok they could hold hands.

Now, there is no way I would marry anyone without well...knowing what I am buying.

If ya know what I mean..

I'm just sayin...

How can u form a bond with anyone if u are saving your first kiss for your wedding day?

If you don't kiss or snuggle or at least get to second base, your nothing more then that girls gay friend.

I just find it bizarre.

Maybe I watch to much tv at night.

Yes, I am sure that's what it is...

Monday, December 01, 2008

back in black

As you can see, I had a face lift. I was tired of being flip flop momma. I needed a change. Change can be good.

I will now be referred to as Rocker Mom...get use to it...got it?

Moving right along..

I went to the gym tonight and rode 8 miles on the bike and did 15 minutes on the elliptical machine...those machines are sorta like being buried alive, or what I assume it must feel like.

it was hell. That was first time I have ever really been on one. I normally run 4 miles a day on my treadmill, so this was quite the workout, let me tell you.

I was hoping for cardiac arrest in the middle of it so I had an excuse to stop. But no, my ticker kept right on ticking in a normal rhythm. Curse my good strong heart.

I did get a free tshirt because my access card wont let me in the building like it should.

Go Me.

I was there about 2 hours, I tanned for 15 minutes and tried killing myself the remaining time.

While I was on the elliptical machine, this really cute man with Down Syndrome was biking next to me..he was there with his posse'. Or what I assume to be a posse'.

When he was done he walked over to me and told me I was pretty, even though my hair was sweaty.

And another guy, he did not have a posse, told me I had nice legs.

and I do, i really really do....they are all tone and full of buttocks kicking muscle..I don't mean to gloat, but yeah, its all true.

I think I will go every time I need a self esteem booster..

If the guy with Down Syndrome thinks I am pretty and the young guy..(who was very cute) thinks my legs are hot, why wouldn't I go back?

Maybe they have these guys planted in there, to keep us middle aged women who need a boost in our ego's coming back.

I will tell you what...

It worked.