Sunday, June 28, 2009

Man in the mirror

When my grandpa died 2 years ago, that was the last time I truly sobbed. It takes a lot to make me cry, I am known for having a heart made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. Just ask my son,he will tell you.

When a celebrity passes away, I never give it much thought. I think..ehh, thats sad, sorta, and go about my day.

In the 5 years I have been writing on this blog, I have never really spoke about anyone famous who has passed away, because I normally don't give two or hell three shits about any but a select few.

When he died, I was in shock, total and udder shock. I did not know what to think, as this man was an intricate part of my childhood, and now he is gone. For Christ sake I practiced the Moonwalk for hours on my front porch because I thought since I am going to be his wife someday, I should really be a back up dance, cause I do have moves..

I had the red "pleather" jacket with the beading, the glove and my most prizes possions, my Michael Jackons Microphone that I sang all the shitty songs of the 80's with.

stop laughing, I do have moves...damn it people, cant you see I'm grieving?

No matter what you think about him, it makes no never mind to me, because this is my blog, and these are my thoughts, so get bent...

now that thats out of the way, I can go on.

Saturday I finally broke down and sobbed and sobbed. And right now as I write this, I am listening to my Itunes with my 20 plus MJ songs that I have, hey his songs are GREAT workout songs, trust me! I am wiping tears from the corner of my eyes, because I still can not believe he is gone.

It hit me bad yesterday morning, I was watching MTV or something of that sort, and they played his videos over and over again as a reminder to, that a part of my childhood had died.

I would see Bylines like this

In Memory of Michael Jackson 1958-2009

And it would make me sick. Still does.

No matter what you thought about his personal life, and frankly, I will be the first to say that he had some serious mental issues. But with a childhood as he had, how could he not?

The poor man suffered from a severe case of body dis morphia I do believe.

At one time he was the most beautiful man on the planet. I can recall watching the video "say Say Say" and thinking, holy cow, my husband is the most beautiful man in the whole world.

Take a look at this video, he is so young, so care free, so happy..practically perfect in every way.

He is looking his best in this video, and this one is the really brings the tears to my eyes..

As I grew older, and as he did, I had second thoughts about bearing his children..Because he was just creepy looking.

This man was a poor tortured soul, and it breaks my heart his life ended so suddenly and his image tainted with all sorts of scandals. None of us know the truth, however I cant judge a man for things I am uncertain that he did. Like the rest of you, I have my doubts, but I can not let that taint the image of him I have embedded in my mind as an 8 year old sobbing when I heard his hair caught on fire, thinking he would surly die.

When I think back at his legacy, it makes me sick inside to hear the grossly things people say about him. The fact of the matter is, there is not an artist alive today that could even come close to surpassing his talent.

My son asked me the other day if such a big deal would be made if one of the Jonas Brothers died. I told him maybe on the Disney Channel, but in the real word, hell no...Than he asked the same thing about Miley Cyrus...I said the same thing. Than he said what if one of the Jonas Brother killed Miley

I told him you might have a story there my son.

No one can hold a candle to him musically..And those are the facts.

Now in my later years I was not such a big fan, because like many I thought not only was he weird, but all the scandals were just keeping me at bay. But about two years ago I came to the conclusion that no matter what I may think of him now, it does not change the fact most of his songs are flawless, and his talent surpasses anything that will ever be seen again in my lifetime.

About two months ago I was at Best Buy looking for some good workout songs, songs that make u want to move around and dance. In my hand I held History past present and future by Michael Jackson. It had every song I loved and them some. I thought to myself, I cant be seen with this shit. I can not go look the cashier in the eye and make this transaction. I just can not do it.

So I set it down. I thought I could do this in the privacy of my own home on a thing called Itunes.

So thats what I did.

When I look back at that, I feel ashamed. I was too embarrassed to buy a Michael Jackson CD.

I am not going to get into the logistics of him molesting tots, cause frankly it makes me sick..Now if he would have been convicted of those things, I have a feeling my thoughts would be slightly changed. In my heart of hearts I have to think, for my own good, that people were taking advantage of his kindness and his wealth and thought thats the way to bring this man down and hard...In my own mind thats what I NEED to think.

And thats all I will say about it, because its neither here nor there. We will never know the truth..So for my own sake, I need to think that he would not do anything of that sort.

There are a few artist out there who influenced me in different ways.

Elton John made me want to play the piano. When I was very small I remember my parents listing to Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, and I was just hooked on the piano after that.

Prince influenced me in many ways a young child...Him and Michael Jackson both made Me want to be singers and songwriters as well as a dancer.

What child in the 80's did not watch a Michael Jackson video and want to be a dancer?

I had a note pad in my room and would write and compose my own songs, and when my parents were not home, i would go pound out the tunes on my piano. I wrote some pretty good shit too.

Those days are dead and buried, as well as most of my inspiration from the time period.

Here is another song that I adored..still do...

he looks so healthy in this video, although I can not ever picture him really having those sexual desires for anyone, its still a great song.

Like I said, I don't want to hear how YOU hated him, or that he was a child raper...this was written to heal my own soul.

I thought for three days on whether to even write anything..but my heart is so sadly broken, I just had to get it all out.

A part of my childhood is gone, someone who made me love music as much as I still do to this day, someone who inspired many of us is gone..

Its going to take me a while to let this all sink in, because Its still like a very bad dream.

I will always remember him for the music man he was. Not for the tabloid fodder he had become over the last 15 years.

Its not fair to his children or to those of us who he inspired.

You need to make a distinction between his professional life and his personal life.

No one ever will achieve the greatest he had in his professional life.

And those are the things that will keep his memory alive within me.

Thats all I have to say about that.

cause I'm bad.

R.I.P August 29th 1958-June 25th 2009

Thank you for the music, the inspiration and for being my first choice for walking down the aisle with me.

Love you Michael!


Lisa said...

Although I haven't cried, I feel much the same as you, his music was such a huge part of growing up. I remember seeing Thriller for the first time, wide-eyed and amazed.
He was truly a tortured lost soul who's talent is unmatched.
He is finally at peace. Rock on MJ, Rock on.

Rocker_MoM said...

amen! took me 2 days to cry...the shock had to finally start to wear off, and now when i see video clips of him, it just starts up, so i cant watch tv anymore..haha

Lola said...

there is a fine line between brilliance and insanity. It is such a burden.
he was magnificent!

Rocker_MoM said...

I couldnt agree more!

Haphazardkat said...

A definite tortured soul--but then it seems the most gifted of people are always the most tortured.

Never apologize for grieving, chickie. He was a huge icon during our foundational years! No matter what he turned into in his later years--he carved out a huge mark on this universe and will be missed.

I did chuckle at the image of you in my mind with the red jacket and beaded glove! :D

Sheri said...

Great Post!
I couldn't agree more I too think you must separate personal from the private and know only too well that we know only some of the story.
His music shaped my youth and I have such happy memories of both The Wall and Thriller albums. His music had the ability to touch us on so many levels.

Rocker_MoM said...

I looked HAWT in it too...

im just sayin.

thanks!...we all need to recall the shittin kick ass tunes he gave us all and that si what should shape his legacy''

even some of the cd's he made over the last 12 years have been some of his best...although his face and body took drasctic channges, his voice never did!

Greeneyes said...

Bravo ! good to see someone say it like it is!!!!!!!

JoeinVegas said...

We always knew you were BAD

Robin said...

What you wrote is very nice. I feel the same way.
MJ was the best dancer I had seen in a long time.
Watching ANY of his videos was amazing because he would glide on the floor.

I will miss Michael Jackson much more than I ever thought possible.

I think there are TONS of closet MJ fans....they just need to come out and grieve.

For 40 of his 50 years, he sang and danced. That is what I'm going to take with me and hold onto...oh and Billie Jean on MoTown 25. What a turning point! He was in the stratosphere after that.

Rocker_MoM said...

greeneyes, just poured from my heart..and 7 days later, Im still crying..

i need morphine.

this is true..

thanks...and i agree with everything u said there...that motown thing really set him up for the rest of his life..

its awesome to go back and watch it..

Rachel said...

MJ was a very talented person with a lot of issues apparently. It seemed to me that in his personal life he was like a child in a lot of ways. I loved to watch him dance! I was very sad and shocked to hear about his death. May he R.I.P.

Rocker_MoM said...

I know he was an odd Motherfu*ker, but thats they way he wanted it..he wanted us to think he was weird!...what a nut case..but most people of that caliber of talent are total wackjobs!

i know i am gonna miss him!...i still cant stop crying over this..itslike a family memeber died, i dont get it.

Scarlet said...

I hear you completely because whether or not we want to admit it, Michael Jackson was a part of our past. You could not have watched that man perform in the 80s and not feel affected.

Yes, we all know about those allegations, but we also know he was a man who did not have a normal childhood and in many ways he was simply trying to recreate it. I don't know what he did in the privacy of his own home, but that's not what I think about when I picture Michael Jackson.

I think of the 80s Michael, the one who made me want to moonwalk and hold my crotch. I think of my first crush and dancing to Rock With You in my friend's basement. I remember watching Thriller over and over again on MTV and reciting the dialogue with my friends. Yes, I will miss the man, the King of Pop, and it pisses me off that the media could not have been kinder to him in his later years.

I'm glad you wrote this post. I needed to read it.

Dottie said...

I cried watching the memorial on TV. Not matter how weird people perceived him to be he was still someone's son, father, brother, etc. He was a tortured soul and like someone else said, many of the gifted artists are.

I remember being such a huge fan as a preteen/teen. I spent a month in the hospital after an unfortunate horse/rider meets tree incident and my friends papered my hospital room with posters of MJ. It was great! They brought them home and put them in my room when I was able to come home. Such a part of our culture and a gift to the music industry.

Glad I found you in my favorites on my puter again!

Kishelle said...

Hey gir, i haven't been on here in forever! I have no time for anything but work anymore it seems. I LOVE this post. Exactly how i feel!! Thank you for sharing it. I saw MJ in concert for my 13th birthday in Detroit, there was a talented man! I am fond of Man in the Mirror and Dirty Diana....Music is my life. it is the one thing that never lets me down.

Rocker_MoM said...

hey girls..its nice 2 c u again!...