Mr Telephone Man

Friday at around 10 pm my phone rings, and the voice on the other end asks for my daughter. My 7 year old baby girl.







I am wondering who the bloody hell is calling my baby girl at 10pm. I thought it was her friend timid girl as we had just came from a bon-fire at our new church and she was there, thought maybe Blondie had left something behind and she was calling to tell her.







But I was wrong. It was a boy. It is so very hard to distinguish a little boy and little girls voices at the young tender age. Which totally sucks.

The whole entire time she is talking to this boy, she is all giddy and smiling. Made me sicker then a dog...I mean I think I actually vomited in my throat, although it did not make it up thru my entire esophagus, it was pretty damn close.







Anyhoo, they gabbed till about 10:30. I asked Mr Shaky what parent would let their kid call another house at 10pm...







Then he said "what parent lets their kid talk to someone at 10 at night?"







Touche u ole bloody bastard...touche.







~



At work Sunday I was watching some TV, because I get paid lots of money to watch TBS movies whilst working at the crazy house.







I was watching Cheaper by the Dozen.







I had never seen it before. It made me think that maybe having 12 kids isn't so bad.







I like chaos. All I need are 9 more spawns to make a dozen...







But then I thought, my boobs look like this with three kids..









































































If I were to procreate 9 more times, this will be me ...

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Not saying this is a bad thing..per say...but I just don't have the back strength to uphold a load like that.

So I will stick to what I have...

chaos is over rated anyway.

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My back is still hurting from my new $300 ink job.....I am wishing it was not so big..But really, I can not do a damn thing about it now...

Blondie says its a cool flag....she thinks we are British.

I can not disagree, as I do love a spot of tea in the afternoon and fish and chips in the evening.

Ok, I do not like fish, or chips...

or tea for that matter.

Keep Flipping

if i had a million dollars

I forgot to show u my moms tattoo..its a turtle..



















Ok, what do you get when you spend 300 bucks on a Def Leppard tattoo?





This...













































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No..Mr Shaky is NOT impressed


Yes He is still fuming over the nose ring..



Yes he is telling the kids that when I am old and shriveled, my tattoos will not only sag but indeed be buried with me when I die..




It hurts like a flaming yeast infection, but golldarn it, the pain, the suffering...the 300 smackaro's...



Well worth it..



Amen..



Good night

Mirror Mirror

So, I could not sleep last night, so I turn on the tv, cuz that's what I do...I mean, I could of went downstairs and did some minor cleaning, or I could of went out and weeded the garden by flashlight. But no, I turned the tv on.







Then it flashed across my screen that there were these storms on the way that could







produce tornado's with little or NO warning,so seek shelter as of ten fuc*ing minutes ago.







So what did I do?







Went to bed. Prayed for the best. No one can tell me that prayer don't work..







Hell yes and praise Jesus..







Sorry for the neighbor, their tree nearly landed on their garage.







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Look, here is me...

















































See my new ring a ling.....aint she shiny?








Look, here is me again.






















































I wanted to show you part of my arm pit....look no sweat, but God don't ask to see my crotch...



Course I did not workout today,so I have no crotch sweat per say.




































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My ta ta's..I have not shown you them in a while,I knew you were missing them..so there ya go kids.

~

The other night I was laying in bed and heard a thunk.I knew right away that it was Boo falling out of bed, as I knew she had too much to drink that night..

I heard her cry and I went down, I scooped her off the floor and laid her back into bed. I tried turning the light on, but as luck would have it,her light was burned out.

So I just tucked her into bed...went back up to my bed and prayed for the best..again.

When she got up in the morning her tiny face was covers in dried blood.

I thought, holy shit, did someone break into the house in the night and beat her up?

Did she sneak out and fall in some bushes or get roughed up by the cops?

No,none of that happened. I looked on her floor and there was a tiny puddle of o- blood on the floor and a big bruise on the end of her nose.

I felt like shit,I had NO idea she was bleeding...What mother throws her pre school age baby girl into bed when she is bleeding profusely all over herself?

A shitty mother with a nice shiny new nose hoop does..that's who.

Lesson learned asswipes.

Oh and on June 30th I am spending 300 on a kick ass tattoo.My mom and I are getting some new ink.

Its gonna be so neat-o.

Well have a great weekend. I have lots of crap to do,so I wont be around much.

My apologies to you and yours...

oh and I lost three pounds this week...

I am going to DQ now for an ice cream something or other.

No flipping after dark.



Edit..I am getting my new tattoo tonight...Look for pics later..

Yee-haw..

Ring of Fire

Aww crap..



Crapola...Crap-toowie...



shit.



Don't stop at the stop light RIGHT at the damn train tracks...Because holy shit, if I am sitting behind you, that means I cant move and I am stuck on the God darn tracks with you...That means its going to be a double homicide/suicide...



if the gates come down, they are going right over top of my van..and this my friends, will surely send me into a frenzy no human deserves to see.



So next time your at the stop light, stop BEFORE the tracks if u think there is not enough room in front of them, because holy shit, how did I know you were going to stop right on them... and somehow inadvertently try and kill me.....dumb shit...



asslickers, i am surrounded by asslickers.



pardon my French



and no, I do not really know French.



And another thing...please don't lift up your shirt and show me your flabby abs. Flabby abs are something that is meant to be seen in the privacy of your own home. Please don't think just because I am friendly with you, means I want to see your flab..hell, I don't like looking at my own, and I sure as shit don't want to view yours..thank you..



And don't change my hours at work and not call and tell me...I find out second hand thru someone else that MY hours are changed...It kinda screws up my whole entire existence...



thank you assholes....



Oh and Dear Summertime...just to let you know...





its June, where the sam bloody hell is my sunshine, warm weather and sunburn?



I am tired of the wind, the temps hovering around 78, and sunshine peeking its head just shy of sundown..



assholes..



I can not properly tan in these conditions...it cant be done..





Oh and another thing...Vicoden should be sold Over The Counter..



I mean if your at least if your of legal drug abuse age. Which I am.



Ok, here we go..

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Yes, this yet again, the bright spot of the day....week.

Month even.

sonofabitch...I need a drink.

Flip and Flop at your own damn risk.

Rocket

I figured it would take longer, but as of 1:35 CST I heard these words uttered for the first time, since last summer vacation..

mom, I am bored.

I actually thought it would be a good week or two before I heard it. But no, it was not even a full day of vacation and BAM, I hear it.

It is going to be one long ass summer.

The Boy keeps asking to go to The Girls house. I keep telling him not today, and he acts like I just tore his one and only functioning kidney from his fleshy body.

Good thing the kid has two fully functioning kidneys.

The other day Boo says to Shaky

daddy, your weird..

"why I am so weird?

I don't know daddy, God just made u that way, dats all daddy.

I am glad another person can see it. I have always told him he was a bit weird, and he denies all allegations. now there is proof.

~

I am addicted to these..

In case you can not tell what it is, this is Cracked Pepper and Olive Oil Triscuit's. They are a high calorie treat sent from the Heavens. Try washing it down with a Dt Dr Pepper, leaves a nice burning sensation in the throat area..

I have decided to buy this, to keep the crotch sweat under control.

This is some sort of device to keep your crotch cool...Hell yes.I am about sure its meant for a man, but hell, I am willing to give it a go...

I have decided that until I get to go to my first Lepp show next month, I am going to post a pic of them daily, just keep my spirits up..

With summer vacation looming here, I need a bright spot in the day..

Here is todays installment..now mind u, this is for me, not u..

So pardon me a minute while I wipe the drool from my chin..

Now the first person to tell me..

those are some ugly chics

I am going to pummel.

Mr Shaky always tells me those are the ugliest chicks he has ever seen.

I tell him he isn't looking in the right spots then, cuz I know lots of woofers.

(IE ugly girl from work)

Ok, the time has come for me to go.....My dog is barking and she wants outside.

Carry on...go about your day like nothing I said here had any effect on you..

Just like any other day.

Bee Flippy

gonna make you sweat

I have a question. For some reason my questions as of late are bit gross or inappropriate.

But as I am heading home today from my walk, I smell something rank. At first I think it must be a dead rotting corpse. I mean there are lots of dead rodents rampid along the paths I tread. But no, I realize its me.


And its not the usual suspect. Sure my under arms smell very wretched. As a matter of fact I sweat so much with my jaunts I have permanent smell stains in my all my workout shirts.


But what I am talking is what I refer to as...crotch sweat.


I know, its hard to believe that a nice wholesome gal like myself would admit to getting crotch sweat, but I do.


If I ride my bike a few miles, I get crotch sweat


If I walk or run 4-6 miles, I get crotch sweat


If I mow the lawn, I get crotch sweat


and the list goes on..


WHY?


its not like my mention-ables are getting a workout...They are just mainly along for the ride.


I don't know. I don't claim to know everything. But I can tell you this, crotch sweat smells way worse then pit sweat.


I'm just sayin.

~
So we broke up with our church. It was a long time coming, I have told you about our pastor and what a major asshat he is.


Well Mr Shaky finally broke it off.

So Sunday we went church shopping. Trying out different churches until we can agree on one, before Sunday School starts up again.


Well today we went to a church that is just a hop skip and a jump from our house.

They had a band. I am not sure if I like that.


Anyway, we happen to go on a Sunday they were giving Communion, and holy shit, it was real wine, not grape juice my Friends. First time ever I have been giving wine for that...I may go back next week.



But Mr Shaky was so pleased with me, he told me I can go get a piercing.

Hell Yeah bitches.


~
My son has wanted to grow his hair out for some time now. I told him once school is out, I will let him grow it for the summer so he can see what a jackass he is looks like with long hair.



he is starting to resemble this




































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Its been about two months since I cut his hair, and its already looking pretty damn long..



At one time I liked long hair on dudes, as a matter of fact from the ages of 11 till...ok now..I wanted this guy to father all my children






































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That there my friends is the bass player for my Lepps...

I LOVED him in the 80's.

His long wavy curly hair blowing in the wind, frolicking about in the music videos. Aww, my heart is going pitter patter just thinking about it.



Now adays though when I see a dude with hair like that, I automatically think he has no job.



WHY?...Or I think he lives in a van down by the river.



I do not want my son living in a van down by the river.


~

Here are some pics of the girls...































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Hopefully one day they don't take off with the dude who lives in a van down by the river.

So much to worry about.


Will my son grow his hair out and start doing reefers?


Or join a rock band?


Will my girls not pose for nudity pics with their boyfriends....and end on youtube.

All this may make me want to start doing drugs.


If it stops crotch sweat, I don't mind so much though.


~

Have a Flippy Day

Baby im a star

It is pretty sad when you feel over dressed stepping into a Wal-Mart. I had to go there today to take something back, as I made a foolish mistake a week before and purchased something on a whim.

So I go and take it back, and I am wearing a pair of Capri's that may be a good size or two too big, and a concert shirt from my last Prince show back in 04..

And I felt over dressed. Something is wrong with that.

This is sorta how I feel today.















Do you ever feel that way?. I certainly hope to God not.

After our shopping we went to the Chinese Buffet. And I know I have sworn to never eat buffet's ever again, but when your hungry, you make stupid decision. Kinda like when your drunk.

Anyway, I ordered a DIET coke-a-cola. Mind you this lady can barely speak a lick of English. No not Mexican, but Chinese...go figure.

I am not sure if she thought that I was so hefty that I could not of meant diet, rather I musta meant a 300 calorie glass of the finest cola flavored corn syrup.I mean my size 9-10 looks pretty hefty to the negative 3 she was sporting..

OR, maybe she thought I looked so ghastly thin, that she thought she would try and sneak me a regular soda to bring my whole caloric intake up a bit.

Regardless, I did not drink it, I found another nice Asian to get me the right drink.

~
I got mt tickets for Prince..here is the seating chart..

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I am in section 131...Not the best seats, but it will be well worth it.

Although I am a tad disappointed about NOT getting the private show and the perfume, but Mr Shaky draws his line at some pretty shitty situations.

Like Prince is really going to run away with me.

Well, maybe...he is a boob man.

Now if I wanted to spend that 250 bucks on buying Bibles or feeding a third world orphanage, then he would be all over that shit.

OK, I must go....

something important just came up.

Flop around like the fishes.

gett off

Ok as of 10 am CST I am going to be the proud owner of two brand spanking semi close to the front row seats to my rock God...

Me and my friend Jody are going to fight over who he is going to leave with him. I totally know it will be me..stupid bitch.

For 140 bucks, I better get steak and lobster brought to my seat.

~

Today at the pharmacy I saw an elderly lady with dried poo poo on her shirt. Now don't ask me how I know it was poo poo I just know. Some things you just know..When you wipe asses of three kids, you know what dried crap looks like.

Then after my walk my mother decides she wants a sub from subway. I did not bring my purse as I don't like leaving it in the car whilst walking round the lake..so I don't bring it..She brought her wallet so she could get a sub after ward.

I pull up to the Subway Drive thru and order her shit. I pull up to the window and give them her debit card...After a good 20 minutes, he comes back and says the card machine isn't working..

I say " what do u mean it isn't working"

he says " I cant get a dial tone"

I say " um fix it, or find someone who can"

he says " do u have another form of payment, I can not fix it"

um, no asshole, I don't have another form of payment, as THIS was our method of payment, now get your ass back in there and re-do it..take a screw driver, call you daddy, do something, but fix the fuc*ing machine cuz my mom wants her damn sub.

Ok, I had no cash, she had no cash...

she got no sub.

~
My bleeding is about done...My bloating is ceasing...My boobies are not so tender and my thongs are no longer in danger of being tarnished by bodily fluids.

I no longer want to kill small children and rabbits.

I no longer want to suck the salt off of crackers just to end up throwing the crackers in the trash because, well I don't like crackers...

I no longer want to cram double stuffed oreos in my pie hole.

And I no longer crave fries from McDonald's..damn good thing, as I have no Golden Arches right now anyways...

~
Today is the last day of school.

As a kid the last day of school was sort of like Christmas morning. You cant sleep the night before, your giddy, full of anticipation....Nothing can bring you down.

Unless your report card says your taking the 4th grade over again..

So come fall I will be the proud owner of a 5th grader, a second grader and a pre school er.

Not bad for being 25...huh..huh..huh...

OK, I have nothing else..

Take care of yourself..and each other.

when doves cry

Ok, what I am about to write about is not for the faint or weak of heart. If you have any sort of heart condition, you might just want to pack up your shit and leave now.

I have had a bad few days.

It all has to do with the whole eve eating the apple and God punishing ME for something that happened thousands of years ago..

I have had the worse cramps over the last two days. I mean its been so bad it hurts to sit, and walk.

I lay on my bed and pray for certain death, or menopause.

Then I worry about growing whiskers if I go thru menopause, so then I think death is the best option.

Then as sit on the john and open my beloved box of Tampex ,(as if I have nothing better to do) and read the little insert they give u about inserting this device into your um..hoohaw.




































































Then as I am reading it tells you what absorbency to use. Mind you , the Playtex people actually think we ladies know how many grams of blood we lose during our menstruation.



If you bleed 6-9 grams you need SUPER PLUS absorbency,I say, if I don't want to leak onto my nice satin thongs, I will use what ever absorbency I see fit.




Who the hell knows how many grams they are letting go of during such times? I sure as hell don't.




All I know is its shit loads from day one to day 2...after day two is pretty much spotty-ness..all days thereafter, touch and go...might have a driblet here and there...



I know what your thinking



..who the hell cares and why is she writing this sick shit..




I don't know..I am in pain and I hate losing blood.



I like blood, especially when it is flowing in my veins and or arteries. I don't like it ending up in my undergarments.

Ok..I am done talking about this..



and my apologies to you and yours for the graphic images I set forth in your feabel little minds.
~


Well Prince is having a private concert at Macy's the day of the big show at The Target Center..

They are blocking off the whole 8th floor just for this event. If you purchase a $250.00 ticket to this private show, you not only get a ticket to the show later that night, but you also get a a bottle of his new fragrance.



Oh La La..



I want to go to this private showing.


I deserve nothing less then this..


Guess who is NOT going to this show?








Bastard.




A friend from work is going to the show with me, we are going to fork out the 130 bucks for the regular show and pray for the best.



Its almost a good thing Shaky isn't going, as I don't think it would do his ego good seeing me there lifting my shirt and tossing my undies..(clean ones of course) up on the stage..I am not sure why...But I think Mr Shaky is a bit, shall I say..Jealous..



I mean I can not blame him, when Prince sees my nice clothes, and well manicured hair...oh and lets not forget my big ta ta's..he will be all over me like a Richard Gere on a hooker.




Although I think he would more then likely give me a Bible and have me escorted out of the building, it will still be well worth it.



I am not sure if I like this new religious side of him..I liked it much better when he humped the stage and used dirty words and such..


He is too much like Mr Shaky now...


I can get that shit at home...



Keep your flippers wet..

Purple Rain

Now before you get your undergarments in a bind, I know that indeed it aint Wednesday. I am leaving for work and wanted to put this up as I wont be home until midnight, so please no comments on

hey u know it isn't Wednesday yet

or

man i don't know where u live but its still Tuesday here..

It will be Wednesday soon, so shutup.

Ok, now on to the official business of the day.

This is where I am going on 7-7-07

http://www.targetcenter.com/event.php?id=390

Now don't get all jealous and shit, it aint the way God wants us to act toward each other.

I am laying down 131 bucks, plus whatever convenience fees and charges they tack on bastards..

The tix go on sale Saturday, I am hoping to get good seats for that price.

Now you may wonder who the hell I am going to drag with me...Well I have that all figured out. You see, when Shaky and I married some 12 years ago, he said, and I quote

for better or worse

I plan on milking that for all its worth..See its better for me and worse for him, we are killing two birds with one purple stone.

I am also going to be the first in line to buy the new fancy perfume. And it damn well better be female perfume or I will never be able to live that down. I mean its bad enough he is designing a woman's perfume, but if it is actually a "mans" perfume, Mr shaky will have a field day with that...what man makes a man perfume? men don't wear perfume, I knew he was odd and stupid.

yes, harsh words, but thats what the good man of God would tell me. Just to break my heart and laugh and stomp all over my dignity.

but its a chance I am willing to lay down and bare.

Because when its a worthy cause, I am all over it like flies on shit.

He told me that I may have already exceeded my concert fund for the year, as I have forked down a bit of a wad to see Def Leppard twice this upcoming summer. I told him that I checked with my accounted..(meaning me) and its all clear.

You can not tell me I am working for not. I bust my balls all week, and damn it, if I want to waste money on fake tans, rock shows and perfume designed by a man whom wears high heel boots and likes the color purple. then so be it..

I do wear the pants in this family after all.

Well my pants anyway.

Well, I am off to the office, where I will be making hard earned money in order to stalk rockers and men who wear high heels.

But in Prince's defense, if you have ever met him, or even seen him up close, you will know why he wears high heels.

My poor Boo is probably taller then him.

But I hear he makes up for it in other areas..

Im just sayin

Ok, I am done.Flops Rule

live and let die

So the nice long spread of the holiday weekend is behind me, kind of like my gorilla ass.

Having my dad spend his nights at the city's local swanky hotel sorta worked out ok. I mean, at least I did not have to worry I was boring him. If they would of stayed here, I would of felt like I had to be on all weekend. And I just don't have that much on in me. Because I am fat and lazy that way.

Look, the boy got his $4,000 telescope...ok, maybe it was not that much, but it might as well of been.




















I looked thru it last night, I saw some strange shit there on the moon. I am totally convinced,after seeing it up close and personal that it is indeed made of cheese.

I swear that kid better discover some sort of galaxy or at least save us all from a horrid asteroid or something.

Look, these are my new flip flops I bought...























what do u think?

Here is my dad and my um mom with my lil flippers.





















My dad and Blondie spent lots of time playing catch and various other baseball activities..

Here is Mr Shaky with his lil flippers..

















What a cute little happy bunch of retardedness...awwwwwww!

here is me and the kids..


















Doesn't The Boy look like he is having the best time..he sure does love me, makes my heart skip a beat.

Here are me and the girls..


















Oh and here is the much anticipated shot of my non existent Cinnomelt Buying Place.

Bastards...every last one of em..
















But the dumb asses leave the damn sign up just to torture my soul..

Saturday guess where we went..Thats right..I went and saw Shrek for a second time.

It was not any better the second time..But I think my dad got a kick out of it..He said and I quote

well now that's just as cute as the other ones..

I think maybe its because they play Live and Let Die by The Beatles in the movie..Just my thought anyway..

Only good thing I can say, is it is a short movie.

Sunday we went to the ever lovin Mall of America..

Rode some roller coasters, a few water rides, went to some shops..

Wanna see the cutest thing..This was my only personal purchase..set me back a whole 3.50

My vacation is over. I head back to the office in a few short hours...I need to live somewhere where everyday can be a vacation.

Although Mr Shaky thinks my whole life is a vacation.

~

Oh I just found out Prince is going to be playing here in July. He is promoting his new now you better not laugh or I may knock the ugly right off you..

perfume.

Gosh I hope it comes in a nice shiny purple bottle.

So I am trying to get my scrubby hands on some hot seats..A summer full of Two Def Leppard shows, AND Prince...that is way better then a summer full of sunshine and sex..

Well I gotta run..

HAve a Happy Peroid.