Long and Lean

Normally I do not fancy myself a movie buff,nor a movie goer if you will. I will go to see a picture show if the kids pressure me or if Steve Carrell is in a movie and that darling dear man of mine drags me to be entertained.







He loves that guy...







anyway...Sunday night I was browsing looking for something to watch that wont make me have a mini vomit in my throat..(IE the Emmys) because those mini throw ups in your throat burn like heck.




I went to my ole staple, HBO Comedy.





Out of ALL my HBO channels, I fancy this one the best, because it has funny shit, and I like that.
















When I saw the title of the movie playing, I thought to myself..no way.




I then thought it must be some sort of a spoof on it, and its not really THE movie..the one I avoided at all costs when it came out.










because surely this movie would not classify as a comedy, unless someone has a pretty shotty since of humor.





because I knew that shit would get me.







Now before this incident, the scariest flick I have seen was Arachnophobia.










I love scary movies. I mean, I will watch those.







Normally scary movies don't scare me because, holy shit, no way Freddy Kruger is going to be waiting in my dreams to kill me, and if he were, I am a pretty tough chick and could kick his ass anyway.














So, I am never scared...never..unless its a movie that could happen..





take for example Arachnophobia..












You see...this could happen to me.







A rare breed of spider could start procreating in my barn, and single handedly kill every person in town...










that shit could happen folks




no really stop laughing, it could.














SO back to my point.....







I saw a movie that scared the shit out of me.







Snakes on a Plane.










holymotherofGod




I turned it on after it had started,so I don't know why or how the snakes were ON the plane and frankly I don't give a shit.




Every second I kept telling myself..












ok, I am definitely turning the channel now..then an hour goes by.....




I kept watching..




I kept getting creeped.







UNTIL










I saw a huge python constrict a big fat man.





The snake kept wrapping itself tighter and tighter around the guys torso..





















He was bleeding from his mouth and nose and his face was turning beet red and I believe his eyes were about to pop out..










then I turned it.


















Holymotherfuckerno.













I quickly turned the channel, trying to find anything that would make it stop.














pleasemakeitstop.





I kept picturing the snakes, on the plane.


















I was quickly trying to find something, anything.















The next thing I saw was Dr G Medical Examiner.







shit..cant watch that, she is doing autopsy's on dead people..cant do it, not tonight.










Then I see on MSNBC.







BIG MAC: The Story Behind McDonald's




ok..I can safely watch this...I think..




after 2 minutes I have to turn it, because holy shit....they are tyring to kill me too.





honestly at this point I would of settled for porn..







shitshitshit..















SO then I quickly turn it to a true staple.




VH-1 Classic.













Cant go wrong here, no sir ee.








Whats playing?







bark at the moon by Ozzy.





nope..cant deal with now..I am in crisis here..I need something happy God damnit..














where the sam bloody hell are the Teletubbies when I need them..little asslickers.




So I end up turning it on The Weather Channel.







A tried and true friend.




Yea so I had a dream that night that a tornado ripped thru my town and then we had a snow storm ,yes in the same day, and that the snow was so heavy that all the buildings roofs were falling in and killing people.







Then I try and get the kids in my van to ride somewhere, hell if I know where..




And we get to a building and the second we get in it, the twister comes and blows the windows out..






Then the roof collapses with about 100 tons of snow, and I cant find the kids because they are buried under 20 feet of snow.




Thank God I did not have a nightmare about snakes.








Thank God I have The Weather Channel to give me good wholesome dreams.













I need a drink.












































































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i would like to find the son of a bitch who thought this would make an entertaining movie, asshole. I would like to kcik him sqaure in the balls. I bet he was not breast fed as a child..SICKO












The Weather Channel, saving your dreams from snakes, one twister at a time.





sonofabitch