Have u ever needed someone so bad

I had a post up, about how my MIL was coming for a visit and how she is crazy and about how my grandpa cant be in Boo's band because as she says..well he is dead..

Cant very well be in your 4 year old great granddaughters imaginary band when your six feet under, now can u?

I am not bitter about the fact my grandpa cant play in her fake band, just disappointed I cant call him and tell him she wanted him to be in it.

Moving on though, I am about to write about some crap that is starting to, well,make my boobs bigger.

Its only making them bigger because it is causing me to have the urge to eat a cinomlet every 4.7 seconds, and holy shit...that would make any ones boobs a tad, well, swollen.

Here is a list, in no order mind you, of why I hate people, and why some may feel I am not a good Christian lady folk.

* I want to find the ass wipes who rented my house in the homeland and shove sandpaper up their anuses and then force feed them Metamucil by the gallons.

I got a bill in the mail from the city of that state telling me my city bill is past due and that I owe damn near close to 1,000 smakera'ros.

Killthem...they all must die, but they will die with blood running out of their asses, so this pleases me.

*When my Boo was picked up from her tot school, I had a letter informing me that I owe them a total of $85.00 for the fall fundraiser. I guess me paying 100 bucks a month for Boo to learn her numbers and to learn to hold a pencil is not good enough...I need to pay them for fundraisers.

I think fundraisers are crocks of shit, unless its for a baby who is blind or a some morbid shit that only God controls...

So I am thinking of telling them I will participate in said fundraiser, then buy one thing and call it good. After all, I am in the mood for a shitty fundraiser candy bar, it will only help the swolleness of my boobies, and some guys like that.

*The state of Michigan is threatening to shut the govt down during the days Mr Shaky will be there to do business at a state govt office..

I guess Governor Jennifer Granholm is unaware that the money I paid for the flight to that shitty state is non fucking refundable and Mr SHaky better damn well be able to walk into the Seceratary of States office the day he needs to...Or you too will have the sandpaper shoved up your bung hole...along with razor blades and a Payday Candy bar.

*I went to do Karaoke Wednesday night, sober mind you, and there was this woman who came in, I swear may God strike me down if this woman didn't look like Janis Joplin, only, she had NO teeth, none, zip, zero nada...she is ALL gums. I jokingly said to my pal that it would be funny if she sang Bobby Magee..

motherhellno...she did...and she was awesome.

don't judge a book by its Janis Joplin looking shell, because holy shit, it was her, in the flesh....Plus she told me that I sang Desperado so well, she thought I MUST be in a band....

thank you, thank you toothless lady, your kind words touch me, but go get some dentures. thank you.

*My MIL is coming for a visit, because holy shit, she knows how much this ho loves company.

at 5:30am Monday morning when my daycare tot comes, we are making a B-line for their sleeping quarters, because holyshit, its my house and my business and that's where we play...

so get a fucking hotel..

and, I still don't have salt, I don't use it....but you go ahead and buy me some salt anyway, because I know it does wonders for both your blood pressures.

But take the shit home with you when u go, or I will use it to melt the ice on my porch next month.

*Why the hell aren't my leaves changing colors? I do like fall, I love raking leaves and I love the colors...but all the leaves in this state are just dropping with no color changing.

hello, Mother Nature, should I contact Al Gore about this, is this a Global Warming issue, or did you just forget to make it rain all summer and now my trees have chlorophyll issues and not changing colors?..let me know, because I feel like fighting and Al Gore will do, because I know Global Warming is HIS fault...because he is has a beard and drives a hummer.

* Dr Oz and Oprah, now is my poop suppose to float or sink? I forgot. I just want to make sure I am getting enough fiber. This has been bugging me and I am too embarrassed to Google it.

don't have a Dr on tv telling me I need to break wind 15 times a day and my poo is suppose to either float or sink, otherwise I am gonna die of hemorroid cancer.

I have had it for today....My ticker can not take any more trauma or I will be in the same boat as my grandpa, and I wont be in Boos imaginary band either. I am suppose to be the drummer golldarnit.

And the Janis Joplin lady already thinks I am in a band..I mean, it only makes sense..

Next week I can assure her I am indeed IN a band.

Thank you, thank you very much.


Have a good weekend....I will be laying face down in a Kareoke bar before Monday hits..that outta impress the ole MIL..