This aint momma's diner kids

So it was sloppy joe night here last night. I set toddler spawns plate in front of her and she says very sternly " no momma". I say to her , " you will eat this or you will go hungry little Missy"

Then she says she wants toast. I say no toast you eat this. To which she demands to eat something else. And I tell her no. After about 10 minutes of fighting with her I say

" you want some oatmeal"

The kid had 2 bowls...I have no backbone...

****************************************

so I have more news on the 15 year plan. The husband had a meeting with the pastor today to talk.."bidness"

To which I learned some troubling aspects of this whole preacher profession.

I don't normally like talking about money on here, but this is troubling me and I need to share it..mmkay?

The husband has a Bacholers degree already. SO he will be getting a Masters in whatever it is preacher have. Now most folks with a Masters degree make about a 6 figure income. Well not us...We will be going backwards.

right now he makes over 70,000..I know its not a lot, but it is pretty good for us..If we did not have to make 2 house payments, credit card bills, and both our student loans..We would be the freaking Rockefeller's....But we have all that..So we deal with it....

Once the husband becomes a preacher...He will make only 38,000 to start...How the heck does that work? I am going to have to be the breadwinner, I can see. And I don't like bread.

But I told him there is a plus side....Making 38,000 for a family of 5 is considered poverty..So we can get food stamps and Medicaid...Works for me...I have always wanted to live off the fruits of the government...That is not a bad goal is it?

But alas , Christina will get a job to get er done..Cant have the kids getting free lunch at school...Oh the talk...

Cant have the preachers kids on skid row...Then again, maybe the church members would donate more every week..See there are plus sides to everything people..You just have to look.

Toodles

ps...the next post down is a conversation with Toddler spawn..I am addicted to the audio posting..yup need a 12 step for that too..

***editors note..the hubby has informed me we get a free house and utilites with the gig...But to me living in a home that you dont own is just kind of barbaric..you cant paint it..you cant fix it up...I am very fussy bout my living qaurters...very fussy indeed......This is why I did not join the military....I need my own home..such as life..

carry on.....we are done here

something much cuter..meg ryan spawn and a brief speak from toddler spawn..enjoy;)

ok here is witchy woman..it is very fuzzy my cell phone sucks doneky balls, but i am lady of my word so here it is..dont laugh:)

Ok, lets narrow it down

So we will go with The Eagels

I will give you some choices as I know what is too low for me to sing..

1.witchy woman
2. One of these nights
3.the best of my love

or add a request....

For For George Michael your choices are as follows

1. Faith
2. Kissing a Fool
3.One more try

Ok there ya go....lemme know what songs ya want to hear and I will be sure to ruin the song beyond recongnition..cuz I am cool like that:)

toodles

Because I love you like my family

so since I torture my family with my belting out of the tunes from my new Ipod, I thought I would share the torture with you too..My extended family..

I will give you some choices, they are limited as I only have 261 songs in the Ipod and most are Prince, Elton John, and George Michael.

Also a bit of The Eagles, and other various bands...Although I will admit I do not have "heavy metal" voice, so I will abstain from that...( but I can rock out to the eagles)

So lets narrow it down, then I will see If I can figure out how to post an audio thing.

Ok, I will let you talk amongst yourselves....Mmakky?


Toodles

You like me, you really like me

Do you know who you are talking too? You are talking to the winner of Blogger Biggest Loser 2005 edition. If you will scroll down you will see my nice little statue I won. I never win anything. So it is official I am a loser....

Day 4 of my mid life crisis. I am hanging on by a tiny thread. I am hoping this is coming to an end. I just know by Monday I will be back to normal. Who am I kidding, I have never been normal.

Went to the spa and got my hair cut..Well trimmed actually. As the woman was blowing drying my hair, I could smell my flesh burning....She was literally melting my ear from my body. It was kind of like some method of Chinese torture, that I did not deserve.

I have not been doing well with my new year's goals. I have only made the bed twice the past week, and I went at least 2 days with no treadmill...But I have not had much of an appetite so I figure they cancel eachother out..Am I right?

I have not even attempted to learn the violin yet. I don't even no where to buy one. I wouldn't know what to do with the damn thing even if I had one...Would end up making a nice planter out of it somehow...

Well, I hope all you good folks out there have a wonderful weekend....

Toodles

Mid life crisis...doin otay

Going into day 3 of my mid-life crisis and things could not be better. I know now I will die at 60, and I am cool with that....Bright side is I will likely die before I become incontent....Peeing and pooing yourself is something I have always tried to avoid...So this works good for me..

I am not going to buy a shiny new sports car , although if I was not having to make 2 house payments and utilities for 2 houses....I would go get a total body lift....

Really, if my house 5 states over happens to burn down...I really had nothing to do with it...Im just sayin.

that's all I got to say bout that.

******************************

Meg Ryan spawn: " mom Meltdown spawn told me if I tell you he was playing the X-Box that he would pummel me senseless"

Me: " pummel"

MRS: " yes momma, and scenceless"

And you wonder why I am having a mid-life crisis at 30........

******************************
I am going to a spa Saturday with Old Mother Hen and we are getting a hair cut....I have experienced the wrath of Fantastic Sams one too many times.....

If I had a good trim, lots of money, a personal trainer, a professional chef, and a live in nanny..

(and /or a good arsonist)

Life would be wonderful....

Toodles

Does this mean no social security for me

If I am going thru a mid-life crisis at 30, does that mean I am going to die by the time I am 60?

I wont even be able to enjoy the fruits of living off the government and having no prescription coverage....

This depresses me more...

Guess I better enjoy the next 29 years.....

Or see a shrink....

Im just sayin.

Toodels

I am tired, I am drained,and I am hungry

Well the plans have changed yet again. I guess the military social service is getting involved. They are paying her a visit on Monday and they need the kids to be there. If things are not up to par then I will be getting the kids.

The last few weeks, or months for that matter have been emotionally draining on me. I normally am not one to be depressed or down in the dumps...But since late summer I have been in a funk and can not get out of it....

I am relieved that social services is involved, because right now I feel like an army of one. They have my number and will call me if they feel the need for removal of the kids.

Please keep a good thought for these kids....I will let you know what happens after this...

******************
My mother and I went shopping last night. We were going to hit Applebees and get some drinks and have a very fattening dinner after the day of hell we had....

I pull into the parking lot and the place is full...No parking spots..Not one..

We decide to try a new place..It was called Emma's Buffet....You know how I feel about buffets, but I was just wanting to eat something...

So, we get inside, pay over 20 bucks....And all the food is crusty looking and cold...

I grab some potatoes and broccoli, some cottage cheese....

I nearly puked in my mouth, the food was tasteless and cold....My mom says " I am going to get the manager"....I wanted to hide under the table.....I am just not up to scenes lately...Normally I would be the one to cause a ruckus.....

I can hear my mother telling him how the food was cold and whatnot..I then hear the manager tell her " we do not serve cold food, it is normal for your food to cool down by the time you get to the table...And if you want hot food, you need to get the food from the bottom"

I am thinking, your kidding me right....This man just did not tell my mother to get the food from the bottom.

Then I hear her say " so my choice is cold food or burned dried out crusty food?....How nice"

Someone please come put Christina out of her ever lovin misery......

*************************************

I am sorry for being so down.....I am just not feeling myself lately...I think the winter and no sunshine, coupled with worries about money and my normal everyday worry about the kids..Are taking a toll on me. And today did not help...One minute I was leaving for a 24 hour drive..Next minute I was not....

I am only one person and I can not save or change the world no matter how much I would love too....Right now I think I need to try and get myself together. I think this is God's way of telling me to simma down now.....I am here if those kids need somewhere to go....And I know I will get a call should something go down....

***************************

Right now I need to fix myself, and I don't know how I thought I could go all the way to Virginia and grab her kids when right now I can barely hold myself together....

I need a vacation, some hard liquor and a Poison CD.....

Toodles

When I can not watch my soap, the drama comes to me

I have had one crappy morning. No NBC...Then I had no internet for 4 hours....This is torture..

But all while this was going on, I had some drama occur. I have mentioned about my sister. She has major learning disabilities and married a guy who I am convinced will molest her children someday. They have 2 young kids, and he is in the Navy and has been out to sea since Sept and will be back in March.

Long before they moved to Virginia Beach and joined the Navy, they were awful parents. They lock their son in his room because they don't want to deal with him, they don't clean their house..I mean it is so nasty I would not use the bathroom or sit on her furniture.

Now she has a baby, well she will be one in a few weeks. And the other day she gave the baby one of her sons pills..Which is similar to Ritlin....Yes, she gave the baby drugs, not only that but she also left the baby alone while she had a neighbor drive her uptown.

There are many other things she does that makes me say she is not a good mother, but I wont bore you with this..

My point is I had talked her into letting me take her kids until her crappy as all get out husband gets back. I had it set, the hubby and I were leaving Friday, a 23 hour journey. He had taken the days off of work and Old Mother Hen was going to stay here with my kids while we run across country trying to save the lives of these kids before she kills them.

Well now she has changed her mind and decided she needs a vacation . Mind you they have NO money. They can not afford to pay bills, and when they do have money they waste it..I wont even go into that...

I am the only member of her family that has offered to help to her. She complains no one helps her...Well when you are 28 years old and raising kids, you are old enough o take care of yourself...But unless you are sending her money or offering a handout, she does not want it...

One day one of her kids will end up dead. This is an awful thing to say, but it is true...

I think she has that syndrome where the mothers hurt their kids to get attention...Plus between her and her husband both their IQ,s are that of a chimpanzee...with the chimp being a tad smarter....

So what the hell am I suppose to do?....

Oh, and I have NBC now, so I got double the drama.....

I knew my strongly worded letters would get things rolling....I have a way with these things you no...

Did any of this post make any dang sense....I am so befuddled right now.....No one in the family really knows the extent of what she does....And frankly, I am done worrying about it...

I am leaving it in Gods hands, cuz mine aren't good enough...

Toodles

update...now she wants me to get them...I am confused, I hate to make the trip and have her change her mind...But give her 30 minutes and she will change her mind again....I am not sure what I will do...I will keep you posted...

Day 4 and counting.........................

I am frothing at the mouth, anyone who has been in close proximity to me in the last 48 plus hours...go get a rabi shot, for your benefit......I wrote 2 strongly worded letters. One to the local NBC station who is wanting to charge the cable company buttwads of money to air their crappy station and one to the cable company who I feel should have either warned their customers of this impending end to the National Broadcasting Company, and also for not having what I refer to as good negotiating skills. For if they did, Christina would not be without the sweet nectar that is NBC.

Granted, there are not many shows I watch on NBC...I liked me a little Matt, Katie, AL and Ann..I have tried watching Good Morning America, but I can not gut it.

I love me a little Law and Order, with a slab of Meduim on the side.

And don't get me started on the soap I am missing...

Curse you KARE11 .....( that is my NBC station) even when I get NBC back, I am not going to partake in their news...That was the only news I have watched since I moved here...

Hello Kare11,
no matter what you think, greed is NOT good....You suck donkey balls right now, and I spit on you..And there is a big spot in hell waiting for you...
Thank you kindly,
The Queen of the World...( yup, that would be me)

******************************************

Ok, for those of you who like to interrupt dreams, boy do I have a doosey...

This is another recurring dream I have had since I was about 10.

This is how it plays out in my twisted little conscience....

picture the scene if you will, I am minding my own business and all of a sudden a big ugly thug is chasing me. I am normally a fast runner..A Forrest Gump if you will, but when this particular thug is chasing me, I can only run in slow motion. I try like heck to run, and I can not do it...

Then when I find a phone to call 911, I can not push the dang numbers on the phone. I either hit a wrong number, or I can not push the button.....

What does this mean?

And here is one I have a lot as a grown up...I go to put my contacts in and they are the size of small baseballs made out of glass.....Yet in my dream this does not seem wired and I try like hell to get it in my eye....Why?

I would give some shrink out there a good hardy belly laugh and a years worth of mortgage payments....

Toodles

This is what I have been reduced too......

I had a dream the other night I was swimming. I love swimming. In small bodies of water that is. I don't do big bodies of water well...I have a recurring nightmare of driving my car across a bridge that is low to the water...And I big, huge tidal wave washes over the bridge throwing my car into the water.

I have had this dream since I was very small...Then when my car gets washed in the ocean, I try to get out....And there are sharks...I am very scared of sharks...

So the other night I had a dream I took the kids to the ocean, and as we were paddling in the water, there were sharks at are feet...

What did I learn from this...

We will not be taking a trip to the ocean....ever

**************************
Still have no NBC.....I am so weak. I am going thru withdrawals...My favorite show was on last night..But what is Christina reduced too you might wonder?

I was watching BIG....Yes with Tom Hanks...Its on WE.....

I did write a strongly worded e-mail to the TV station, I tell you what...

*****************************

I did most of my goals today...

I kept the house clean
I played with the kids and less time on computer
I made my bed...( at 3 pm, but it still counts right?)
I worked out...And worked out some more...
I did not beat any of the kids into a coma today either..

Day full of small miracles wouldn't ya say?

Toodles

Little help here people.....

ok peeps, Christina is in a bit of a predicament....

Ya see, Santa got Meltdown Spawn a sweatshirt, but the nice people at santa's workshop forgot to take the security tag off....I noticed this Saturday when I saw him wearing it...

Now you see I can not take it back to the store , as I have no receipt cuz I don't keep crap like that...I cant very well walk in with this item, the bells and whistles will sound...And they will think I stole it and that is why the tag is on...Can ya help a mutha out?..Anyone know anyone who may know how to get rid of the tag without inking my sons sweatshirt that I spent 80 bucks on?




































Thank you kindly criminals..

************************************************

Now I have another predictment...But I know that this one can not be fixed, not by us anyway.

It seems my NBC station is off the air...I guess the broadcasting company wants to charge the cable company tens of thousands of dollars to air the station, when these stations are suppose to be free.....Asswipes......So this means..

No Martha
No Today Show
No Meduim
No Entertainment tonight...( insert your giggle here)
and heavens to Betsy....No DAys of Our Lives..

Not to mention no news....


And I have another question.....Now when you make New Years goals....Does it mean you have to start on New Years Day....Or just anytime throughout the new year?.....Cuz I have failed already....I did not work out today, I blogged more than I should of, I did not make the bed...But I did cuddle with all the spawns today....

I am wanting to cut down my computer time drastically...There are so many more important things I should be doing than IMing people or blogging....So I have given myself computer time...Which is going to every night when the kids go to bed.....I will do some very brief blogging while Toddler spawn is napping during the day, but otherwise I am cutting back..

**********************************************************

I am watching Celebrity fit club.....Holy crap is all I can say.....Poor Chastity Bono...Man has she gotten to be a big girl...I love her.....I love her mother....

And the girl from The Cosby Show....I did not even recognize her.......

The rest I have no idea who they are....Not paying attention anymore....

My mind has been distracted........I need medication I think....

************************************************************

Well starting today things will be getting back to normal...The husband goes back to work after a week off...I mean, there is such a thing as too much together time..
The kids go back to school Tuesday. I like normal.


I will start my new years goals today...Monday is always a good day to start things..Or so I have been told..



oh and I added one more goal to my list from the last post..

Christina wants to learn how to play the violin........Don't laugh or I will co-cock you.
Im just sayin..

Toodles

I don't do resolutions

I am not the kind of gal who believes in making "new years resolutions"....I on the other hand set little personal goals if you will..

I will now share with you my personal goals for 2006, and this time next year I will see if I kept any of them..Chances are more than likey I wont..

1. Make my bed everyday...( have made this one the last 5 years..Has not happened as of yet..But I feel lucky this year..)

2. Try to keep the house as spotless as I can, afterall I have no freaking job so I have no excuse right?

3. excersie more.....( yup made that one last year too)

4. Be a better mom

5. Try to go another year without beating my kids into a coma...( I have kept this one for the last 9 years)

6. Win the lotto...( ok I know this is a goal I can not control persay....But I can buy lotto tickets right?)

7.meet at least one blogger buddy

8.go thru menopause....( again I know this is uncontrollable, but its ok to have goals)

9. Take a nice family vacation that does not require driving to Michigan..

10. Keep my van clean...( again, another one I cant seem to keep)

11. Spend less time blogging...( I know, this is a hard one...I may need a 12 step program)

There that's all I will bore you with........I would love to hear what your goals are..If u have made any..

and I thought I would start the year off leaving you with a post from last year...This to me is one of the dumbest things I have ever done...And I thought I would share it ONE more time..incase some of you had not read it.....I am blonde...I have big boobs..You do the math..





Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Am I going to die..Or be bug free??

After my nice workout..20 minutes on treadmill and 20 minutes doing weights..I was all hot and sweaty, so I decided I should maybe take a hot bath and enjoy some alone time..I grab my little spongy thing that I put my body wash on.. Grab my soap and get it all lathered up..My hubby had bought me some new body wash that I hate the smell of...Smells like a darn orange peel..I hate the smell of citrus unless I am eating an orange:)

Anyhoo, as I am all soaped up..I am thinking to myself..Boy..This smells pretty good...Not so citrusy..I am liking it...Not really thinking about it...

Until I start getting a little tingly..And not a good tingly..I look, and notice I have just bathed myself in my dogs flea shampoo..

I am all in a panic...* warning DO NOT COME IN CONTACT WITH SKIN AND OR EYES..IF CONTACT OCCURS FLUSH IMMEDIATELY WITH WARM WATER*...Crap and double crap...Well I am in warm water...Crap..How do I flush it????...I am dying..I know it...I am being poisoned..I know it..Crap , darn, shucks ...

I am planning my funeral in my head..I want a big production..A band, a nice meal, crying..Lots and lots of crying..I want close friends and family to tell stories of how wonderful I am Or was rather....

I want a big display of baby photos and childhood photos..A shrine of sorts..

For the meal I want my favorite dishes prepared..Club sandwiches with no tomatoes, nachos, Caesar salad, cottage cheese..Cheesecake..Lots and lots of cheesecake..And this raspberry desert my grandma makes.

.Diet Dr pepper and ice cold water bottles..And other varieties of soda and beverages..Maybe lemonade, or some kind of fruit punch..

I want my head stone to say something witty..Maybe something like.."When your dead..Your gone for good.." Or " here today, might be dead tomorrow"Ok sorry got of the beaten path there...Anyway I am still alive, for now anyway..But I don't have a single flea on me:)


Toodles
posted by just_christina @ Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I bet you don't feel so dumb now huh?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Toodles

Ok, this is what I know

her heart sounded normal....Her EKG was normal, her x-ray was normal, and they did bloodwork to check for some things, but it wont be back till Monday...So I am a bit relieved and thank you for the good thoughts..

Have a Happy New Year everyone..Love to you all...You guys are the best people I know:)

Toodles

This is why I should of had dogs instead

Well, I am taking Meg Ryan spawn to the doctor today. Every now and then she complains that her heart hurts. Now I am not sure if she is having some kind of chest pain or if she is just having your regular ole growing pain pains...Whatever it is, it is starting to get to me. Now it does not happen a lot, but the fact it even happens once is enough I suppose.

She told me it feel like her lungs are too big for her chest when it happens, which makes me think it is some kind of growing pain, and she knows her heart is there, so that is what she thinks it is.. She does have heart murmurs when she has a fever, but they always say it is nothing to worry about.

Now if this was a dog, I could put it down if it was complaining, but I cant do that with a spawn..It is illegal.

I will update this post after we return from the doctor.....I am sure they wont really be able to tell me much today anyway...

She is outside sledding with her brother right now...We got about 8 inches of snow last night..Lucky us.....I hate winter

Toodles

I KNOW ITS WRONG...BUT...

I know Christmas is NOT about gifts. My kids know this. It has been drilled into them ever since birth. But this is a complaint not so much with Christmas, but birthdays as well..

Ya see, my FIL is man that I don't much care for. He talks big, says he is going to do things and never does. He told me a few years ago that for the spawns birthdays every year he was going to get them $1000.00 savings bonds. I thought this was great. Well it happen one year...

He came a few days ago and brought the gifts from my MIL and the husbands brothers. Tons of crap they unwrapped....Then he pulls out his little cloth bag with their gifts from him....They have NOTHIN to open, rather 50 buck savings bonds....WTF??.....He does this for their birthdays too..No gifts for them to open...And freaking card with a SB in it...

I am not saying I don't like those..Because I do. They will come in handy when I make the spawns pay for the own college, and they will be bailing their own butts out of jail..should that ever happen. I mean everyone gets them savings bonds, but they usually get a gift to open also..Now would this piss you off...Or is it just me?

***************************************

Meltdown Spawn got in trouble Thursday. He went out of doors and did not zip his coat , wear a hat, or put his boots on. He said he was going to play inside his buddies house...So I let it slide..Well they were sledding or something....And he comes home with red hot cheeks..And he says

" I think I have frost burn"

" you mean frost bite"

" whatever"

I was going to post a picture but blogger wont let me.......It must be able to see my hideous orange hands or something....

Such as my luck.

Another thing that ticked me off ....

We got our phone book yesterday , they have hubbys name spelled right ( his is not spelled normal)

and how do they have mine

Christine

Gawd I hate that name....I spent my years of school correcting teachers and other stupid people. I once told a teacher

" what cant you see the A at the end of my name?"
Yup I got detention for 3 days for that one;)

Toodles

Here are my hideous features

OK, so by popular demand I will showcase some of my flaws that occurred during the last 48 hours...cuz I am cool like that..

First up are the hands...Take note of between the fingers...And remember..I did not know I was applying self tanning to my body....And the picture is fuzzy because I was too close..





































Next here is my neck.......Where my bulky necklace was laying....And where Christina got sunburned...

ok, there ya go...ya believe me now?

here is a picture I took on accident. I was trying to take a cool picture of me in the mirror when I tried to scratch my back I pushed the button on accident....Can we say....

"Christina get your fat rear on the treadmill ASAP"




















and lastly, I talk about my girls....So I figured I would show you why I am need of a boob job..See how big these girls are....Ok...I know you will donate now;)




















OK, I am ready for your feedback........Be easy on me though..I do have feeling...

Toodles

Christina has another PSA for my peeps

Some of you might know that I am a tan freak. Now don't go given me lectures on skin cancer...Don't wanna hear it..Keep it to yourself..mmkkkaay?

anyhoo, it has been a good month since I have been able to get my weekly bronzing. I had seen this lotion by Jergins....yes, Jergins duped me yet again..First with the skin firming fiasco..Now this fiasco.....Ok, so they have this lotion called healthy glow or something..In the commercial it says it helps you maintain your "healthy summer glow" SO of course I must see what it is all about.

I buy a bottle. It says use as your daily moisturizer. Easy enough. Says use twice a day. Easy enough. I wake up the next morning with what appears to be some form of jaundice. My wrist and the little spots between my fingers are brown/orange color...Holy crap...This is like some kind of self tanner in disguise...Crap....I would never of bought it if I knew this was the case. Nowhere on the bottle does it say that it is a self tanner...It says use like your regular moisturizer....LYING FUC*ERS!!

So after that gawd awful realization, I decide I better get my as& back to the tanning salon. Now what happens next is a total blonde moment...

Christina forgets to take her necklace off. Her necklace with the big bulky green beads on it. I got burned.....Not sure why....But my face, the girls, and my chest are red. I look in the mirror and notice something disturbing. I have big splotches of whiteness on my neck where I forgot to take my necklace off......I am a hideous monster...My brown/orange jaundice along with my white splotches from my damn necklace...Don't look at me, I am hideous..


So this is just a courtesy call to you..Cause I am cool like that....So what have we learned from Christina ?
1. Don't by Jergins skin firming lotion because it will not firm your droopy ass or your sagging boobs.

2. Don't buy Mr. Clean magic eraser....Just because I said.

3. Don't buy Jergins Healthy Glow lotion.....You will come out looking like you are suffering from a deadly form of hepatitis...Jaundice is not a good look for anyone...

So what have we learned here today boys and girls...?

Jergins sucks donkey balls....

Toodles

I don't know why I am surprised

The day did not start off that bad. But it seemed to get progressively worse.

The first thing that went arry was when I tried to replace a light bulb in my living room. I reach up and start twisting, next think I know I have a blast of electricity and a flame in my face. Not only that, but the dang metal part broke off and remained in the socket....I also tripped the circuit breaker. And the lights still do not work.

Next I do my monthly carpet cleaning. I get it out of the closet, get the solution in the tank, turn her on and let her rip....Then this God awful wretched smell oozes from my machine. I notice the tank with the bad water is still in there from when I did this last month....My bad.

Now the whole freaking living room smells of the odor that is similar to a decomposing body..please don't ask.

Then my freshly bathed toddler spawn comes out of her bedroom eating her sisters peanut butter cup flavored lipgloss.....I take it away from her, as she is saying.."yum, dis good momma"

Then Meltdown spawn comes out with his new calendar...this kid loves getting calendars..And he had wrote everyone's birthday,s in it...I tell him I am so proud of him for remebering all our birthday,s..

I ask him, where is my birthday...He flips to May.....And he has it wrote on May 22...
I tell him, um..ahhh....My birthday is on the 2nd...Thank you..


I also bought one of those Mr. Clean Magic Eraser things....I have heard nothing but wonderful things about them..I was just dying to have one, I felt left out....I get home and I am desparelty trying to find something to clean with it....which should not be hard.

I used it...And I must say I was very disappointed...Tell me what is so special about this..I mean, I could of used my 99 cent sponges doing the same damn thing. I wasted 4 bucks on a sponge that does what my normal sponges do...Boy do I feel silly..








and the kicker........
*
*
*

The FIL will be here today...........

ok where is my bottle of Kalua?

I am off to drink..

Toodles

I like to dance to Maranga music at parties

Christmas was good. The spawns were giddy with greed, as they ripped open each package that I so nicely wrapped. The look of disappointed in their eyes as they did not get everything they were looking for was priceless.

We have spent the weekend gorging on food and playing wild and obscene games of Uno. And I hate to brag, but I won every game:-)

I will now share with you some timeless Kodak moments from the festive weekend...With my un-crappy as& camera....Yes Christina got a new picture taker..Can you see me beaming?





















toddler spawn being her cute self.....

















This is our tree after Santa stopped by, you cant see Meltdown spawns loot cuz its on the side you cant see, I wrap each spawns crap in different paper..Its easier for Santa that way.



















um , this is just a picture of my clock....Ok, moving on....

















This is Old Mother hen and her new Rooster from E-Harmony.com......for the record, he seemed nice...Hi Daddy..

















here is Meltdown spawn, and yes, he needs a haircut, I know this..Duh!!

































Meg Ryan spawn tryin out her new sled.......


















Meg Ryan spawn showing off her toothless mouth....She really needs some dentures..

















Yes, this would be toddler spawn.....















The Three Spawns......
















Ellen, my poochy spawn...

















And this brings me to the title of this post...You see what toddler spawn has there...It is her new dancing Dora doll that her grandpa and granny got her....She wanted to take this thing to church, to bed, everywhere........She dances...She sings.....And she is constantly saying

" I love to dance to Maranga music at parties"....

Dora, goes to parties....I can not get passed that.......I cant think of the last time I went to a party..

* hangs my head in embarrassment*

Toodles..

Its heerreee

I knew it would only be a matter of time. I knew it would come. Lets face it, I aint that lucky.

It started out as moan, then a groan..(get your minds outta the gutter please).

Then a " momma, come quick, I gotta puke"

Oh here we go...What started out as a simple moan for help turned into a bloody puke fest.

Meg Ryan spawn is ill.

So pardon my absence, I am not ignoring your blogs....I am sure this lil bug is gonna make its way through out my whole house. I need to start disinfecting...I am sure it is too late though.

God bless her little soul though, as the puke drips off her chin and she begs for mercy on the floor, she says

" Momma, will you check under my pillow to see if I have money there"

(she lost a tooth just before bedtime...Previous post)

Poor kid, ill with the pukes and still wants to make sure she has her share from the toothfairy..

I love these kids.

Merry Christmas everyone..Love to all..See you in a few days..

I think I need the toilet.

Toodles

Pulling teeth

I have not wrapped anything, nor have I finished my shopping.

I am feeling very depressed lately. Not sure why. Just am.

Anyhoo, Middle spawn lost another tooth last night. She will be 6 in Feb, she is in kindergarten, and this kid has lost 3 teeth already and has 2 more that are loose....I have never heard of such a thing....At this rate she will be toothless by January.

I still have not opened the box. Only one more day now...(we will open those gifts on Christmas Eve)...I hope I make it..


You know your lazy when your little toddler spawn asks you for juice numerous times, and you don't get it. Then a few minutes later you see her slurping from the dogs bowl, then you spot her taking the rabbits water bottle off the cage and sucking on it.

Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas

Toodles

About a box and bm

You see this box?



















This box has my present it in from my dad and his soon to be bride. I have a pretty good idea what it is. I am dying to open it and see it. Let me just give you a hint....I think it is some sort of a device that would permit me to NOT have to take crappy as$ pictures.

You follow me? So this pretty box, nicely wrapped, sits under Christina,s tree. I am waiting patiently...Yes, this is me being patient.

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Wednesday evening I sat with baby spawn to watch our nightly programming of Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood, I became taken aback by the topic tonight. It was about going potty.

Which is a good thing, but for this loving man to show us where his potty is, then to sit on the toilet...( clothed and seat down of course) and read a book while sitting on the potty, made me feel kinda shitfy.

I swear to the Lord above these words came out of my dear Freds mouth.

" now when you get old enough to urinate or make BM in the potty that means your growing up"

and this line

" Everybody has made BM in the potty, that means our bodies are working"

Now this is what I am thinking

maybe its just me, but my spawns would have no idea what BM is. Now if you were to say poop, poopy, poops, or number 2....They know this.

Maybe my spawns are barbaric little creatures...(hence their name of spawns) but the word BM would totally go over their heads.

And I think this is a good thing...I would have a hard time hearing one of my children say "mom, I have to go have a BM"....

Maybe its just me...Ok, I am sure it is.

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Something funny covert spy spawn said to Old Mother hen. They were talking about the movie Home Alone, which the oldest LOVES.....My mother said to her.." That is a pretty funny movie isn't it"

To which my little girl replied

" I do not see what is so funny about a little boy being left home alone, that is illegal . You no that don't you?"

sometimes that kid has more common sense then the rest of us....

She has foiled my plans once again.....Curse you covert spy spawn..Curse you..

Although Joe Pesci would not be planning any mode of attack on my crap hole.Again, you have to look at the positives.

toodles

You can thank me later

Have you ever used those silicone bake wear pans? They are very cool. The husband designs it or something..Not sure what he does..But I know he has something to do with it. They also design items for a very popular brand of items that is for some reason top secret and I can not even tell you...Without endangering national security or something.. .But beyond that.....I just recently used these silicone pans..

I found them nice, but also I found some flaws. On the cake pans, they do not put the size of the pan the bottom....Which to me is very odd. The second thing was the bread pans were way too deep. You can not make bread in pans that are so deep..It would be like baking two loafs on top of eachother..Makes no dang sense

Last thing, they need handles. It is very difficult to get a hot , silicone, floppy bake pan out of the oven with out dropping it or accidentally flipping stuff out of the pan..I am just sayin.

So if you use these items..When you see the pan size on the bottom one day..You can thank yours truly..Because all the dumb as$es that design it never thought about that. Hello..

you guys soooooo don't pay me enough....

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I went caroling tonight....I must say, I sounded pretty good. But I will tell you why I was so good..

and no it is not because the older folks we went to sing to are tone deaf

It is because my mother came over, and I showed her Sheila...(my ipod)....I put Sheila on shuffle and mom took an ear piece and I took the other...And we sang our hearts out...It was truly the most embarrassing scene of my adult years.....My spawns came up from the basement thinking an animal was caught in a trap.....Between the uncontrollable giggling and off key notes, it sounded pretty good....

well my part wasn't off key.....But what can ya do?

So my pipes were nice and warmed up. The last song we sang before we hung it up for the night was..

"uptown girl" by Billy Joel..

ok, stop laughing.

Toodles

Happy hump day

I have a few complaints..If u will

My first complaint is to the UPS man. Although you are mighty fine looking, and I mean mighty fine , it is no excuse to leave my packages in the garage . With no attempt to knock on a door or drop a note to say where my stuff is. So far this has happened 3 times this holiday season. ( cant say Christmas, that would not be PC)....

And that leads to my second complaint. For crying out loud....It is the holiday season because Christ our Lord was born at this time, hence the name CHRIST-MAS..So why on Earth do we have to change the name...We don't change the name of Hanukkah...Or Kwanza....

So I say.......MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS..IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT..GO SUCK DONKEY BALLS...MMMKKKAY!!


On to my other complaint....

Dear IPOD maker,
why do you make your ear pieces too big to fit in any mortal humans ear? How can I run on my treadmill when I have to hold my dang ear pieces in? I can not shove a soccer ball in my mouth, so how do you figure I can fit that crap in my ears?...Maybe I just have extra small ear holes...Dunno, but I know for a fact they don't fit in mine.

Please send me some that will fit in my ear. These I have here are big enough to fit nicely in my cats ear....But excuse me , I do not have feline ears..I have little tiny human ears....Hello..You with me so far?

Thank you kindly



And to whoever may call my house.....don't bother, I can not answer it, for the ring alone now is enough to drive the battery into the ground......




It has also come to my attention I need a butt lift. As I was drien off from my bath..I took a good look at my backside.....Seems to have dropped a good 2 feet...How does that happen? My list keep growing. I need to get a job.

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Something I overheard at covert spy spawns CHRISTMAS....I mean holiday program...

This is coming out of the mouth of a kindergartener. In the middle of the program, at the top of the kids lungs..

" Mom, am I going home with you? Or am I riding the bus home?"

( not spoken by my spawn, but it would of been much funnier if it was)

Toodles

Wrapped up in a nutshell...The weekend I mean

So the weekend here was pretty uneventful. I got my present , but I will get to that in a minute.

First I want to ask a question. When the heck did the children of this bloody world lose all their Christmas magic?

Now Kissing spawn knows about Santa. But for God,s sake...Save the 5 year old....Please..
She went to see him Sunday, Santa that is. I wanted it to be a family affair. Kissing spawn refused to go, because for Heavens sake he saw him last year. Baby spawn, well I had The Husband wake her up, and lets just say she was in no mood for a big fat jolly elf. So Covert spy spawn spy was the only one who went. Now this little girl spent all day Saturday writing her own list. She would ask us how to spell everything, but my gosh she wrote her up good.

Before she left she was beaming...And she says " I am gonna tell Santa there is no such thing as reindeer"

Oh crap!

" don't tell him that, you will hurt his feelings"

" mom it makes no sense, plus this isn't even Santa, it is one of his helpers"

So now she is convinced Santa drives a car, because there was a car parked out front the little house..OK, I will go with that.

















So this is her, with the guy who is not Santa and does not have flying reindeer.


And here is little baby spawn, sometimes she is just way too cute to live in this house
















and now crap I can not forget to post the other spawn, or holy crap I will be showing favoritism now wouldn't I?
















That was him after his bath last night...He is all clean!






Ok, so momma got her present. I got a shiny new Ipod. Oh she is beautiful. She holds over 7,000 songs. I spent hours over the weekend downloading songs from my CD's.

So far I have got
Elton John: 7 cds
George Michael: 2 cds
Prince: 5 CD's
The Eagles: 2 CD's
Various 80's mixes: 4 CD's

I am not done yet......I still have lots more...Here is a picture of my new girl
































Oh and it plays videos too....Oh, love at first sight I tell ya.

I have a confession to make. I am a tub singer. Have been for years now. I take headphones and a rocking CD, and belt out tunes while I bathe. And since I have about 500 songs so far on my new girl (oh I named her Sheila) I put it on shuffle and let her rip.

The kids were in bed, so I decided to relax and enjoy myself. I told The Husband to grab me a towel from the drier in a bit . Well an hour past, and still no towel. Then The Husband walks in and says

" you no there are some folks here who are requesting you stop singing, they are trying to sleep"

" I am just waiting for my towel"

" I think your son is ready to knit you one"


Yes, momma gets no respect.

Toodles

The crappiest crap crapper of a day

Fridays are suppose to good. Right? Maybe I am wrong, but my whole day started out in the crapper..

First I went to grab the box of Cheerios out of the cupboard ,to get the spawns breakfast..And I grabbed the wrong end...And had Cheerios all over my kitchen floor. Then instead of sweeping it up immediately..I continued to walk in it ..Crunch Crunch..

" Mom, you no there is cereal all over the floor?"

" yup, I know, I will try to have it cleaned up before you get home."


Then my realtor calls me to tell me she still has no key to our house back in the homeland and she wants to show the house tomorrow..The renters who have moved out this week because they cant afford smokes , booze and a home, was suppose to take the key to her 2 days ago.

Then come to find out they gas company has went to the house and taken the gas meter off the house..And the electric has been shut off. And its winter...And its in Michigan!!....Not good...

Nothing will be turned on till Monday.....So this means all weekend with the possibilty of the pipes freezing..

Then I have my darling soon to be step mother Jennifer go over and check out the house..

First she tells me that the smell of stale cigarette smoke was so heavy she couldn't stay in the house long...Plus there was trash and beer cans and cigg butts all over...

Plus the drive way and side walks need to be shoveled because they just had a big ole snow storm..

So now it is going to cost us extra money to get all the crap turned back on...Plus the cost of getting a cleaning service over to clean it..I am not going to subject my family to the wrath of the renters mess....

And my real estate lady wants to show the house Saturday...It is mess..It stinks..It has no heat..It has no electricity....Yes that sounds like good timing to me..

***************

But I am no longer going to worry about it or consume myself with it. There is nothing I can do about, and I am turning it all over to The Big Man Upstairs. And it kind of feels good in a way. I swear I worry about everything. I can not help it. It is in my nature.

Although today I have decided to give it all up. I am no longer going to worry about things I have no control over. I quit, I give up. I have never considered myself a quitter....But in this case,I feel it is a good thing.

I feel kind of re-born in a corny sort of way. I am not perfect, I can not control things...I need to stop worrying about things.....And as of today, I am not doing it anymore.

I QUIT.

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Also for the last 3 months I have been dealing with a phone that can not hold a dang charge for more than 10 minutes..Just my luck...The day when I need to make the most calls, I can not talk for more than 5.5 minutes at a time.

Why don't you buy a new phone you might ask?...Because I am lazy....

I have a list if friends who will contest to the fact I can not talk for more than 5.5 minutes..

Lets see. Tammy..( I know...I know...We haven't been able to chat in I don't know how long..I am buying a new phone I promise)......Angie, It lasted longer today than it has in weeks...Thank the Lord for it too.....My mother...Well...Sometimes it does come in handy...Beep...Beep...oh sorry mom, my phone is going dead..Bye bye...See you got to look at the positive..That's all..

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Saturday I am taking the spawns to see Santa...Kissing spawn will tell him he is not real, Middle spawn will be too nervous to say anything..And Baby spawn will cry the minute she lays on him..

Should be fun

Toodles

This is why I don't do it.......

So I have talked many, upon countless times about wanting a boob job. No, not that kind of boob job!!..I wanna get my girls a wee bit smaller.

Now I know this will never happen. For one reason I can not afford it, and my peeps here have donated absolutely nothing to the cause.

Now I realize Christina lives in a dream world most days, and that a boob reduction is a far cry from what will ever happen. I know this.

All I want is a little lipo, just a little...To go along with it. I don't want my face done or anything.

and this is not because I don't think I need it, because trust me..I know I do people!!!!!!!

But mostly for fear of looking like this when I am done























or like this....( heaven forbid)

















and the most scareist of all.....( GOD help me)


















This is what keeps me outta the Docs office people. For fear I may become an addict to the knife and feel the need to make myself look like rubber. Not that rubber is bad, I mean if your a barbie, or a GI Joe its wonderful. Or if your a spatcula. Which I am none of the above..

Just a simple boob job is all I want people. Is that so wrong?

And why I bring this up today...again... Is because my darling baby spawn brought my bigger than normal bosoms to my attention today.

I was wearing my workout clothes. And the top is a tank top like apparatus. She was cuddling on my lap, sticks her head down my shirt and says.

" momma, uh-oh ouch"

then she peeks her head back up....Peeks down her shirt and says

" mine go bye bye"

Then peeks her head down my shirt again and says

" ohhhh, momma look"


Poor kid. She thinks I don't know I have a big bossum.

Little does she know that I have to look at it everyday. And I had a normal size rack before they
came along...Live and learn..

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Now my girls at www.packof2.blogspot.com posted some pics of their tattoos. Not that I am a copy cat, but some of you have not had the viewing pleasure of seeing mine..And I want to share, cause I am cool like that.

First one is my first tattoo. I got it about 5 years ago. And this was taken in June when I broke up my ankle..Some of you may remember that. I got vicoden then...Those were some good days..






















ok here is my second one. This one is on the back of my neck. This is my favorite one, even though I can not see the dang thing..





















Now this next one is a hoot....You know I love Prince...So without further ado













this is in the middle of my back.....And on my shoulder I have these












yup its purple rain!!

There you have it.......And I know..My pictures are crappy...Remember I have a crappy as$ camera....Ya no, the one my FIL gave me. The one he gave me for a birthday present because he obvuiolsy forgot it was my birthday. The camera he bought 2 years prior from QVC..

Ok I will stop there....I don't like to degrade people...

Ok I do...But I wont.

Toodles

My secrets....

I have perfected the art of the sugar cookie. I have tinkered with the recipe I had been using. And lets just say, pure perfection.

Now I realize Martha will be beating down my door for the secret. But I am not giving it up. Back away from Christina Martha, back away. What's that? You want a bake off..Ok..Anytime..But don't make me have to get a restraining order.

oh, and Martha, please hit the treadmill sweetie, I can see your roll through your big bulky sweaters. I know you think your hiding it...But your not...You do not have to test everything.
It is not good for the waistline....Martha...I know..Trust me.

Its not a good thing!!

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Ok this is baby spawns newest funny.

BS: " knock knock momma"
ME: " whose there?"
BS:" me."
ME:" me who?"

BS: "Haaaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaaa (insert rolling on the floor laughing here, uncontrollable giggling, the wet your pants type)

Maybe its just me, but I don't get it.


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Toodles

happy everything..I could not resist this

happy everything