Shook me all night long

So Saturday we did our so non Christian thing and took the girl bees to see the ever popular Santa Clause. Or poor fat man with high cholerstol and B.O. as I call him. Or the over-weight gentleman who gets all the credit and the glory for getting our kids all the good shit on Christmas Day.

So they go see Santa, or Satan...However you look at it...Ok when I see "we" I mean Mr Shaky did..

I did not partake in this years event. No other reason then I did not want to. Plain and simple.

But now that my Boo Bee has went to see him, I have all sorts of power over her. All I have to do is tell her " if u don't eat your dinner, momma is gonna call Santa and tell him your a bad girl and that he does not need to bring u anything"

then she screams.

its really a good plan. Before when I would use the Santa threat, it kinda went over her head, but now that she has seen him, in the flesh, it all works and makes sense to her now. And this is good for many reasons. I know she is only 3, and a retard,but hell, it is so much fun.

I told her last night that Santa is watching, so she better be a good girl, or he wont bring her any presents. Then she asked me what window he looks in. I told her all of them. So she went from window to window looking for him, so he could see she was being good.

I told her he was invisible. She is a retard so she had no idea what that meant. I told her he is magical. She asked if he had wand.

Why do kids make it so difficult to lie to them? Since when did kids become smart asses at 3?

She then took the phone and told me SHE was calling Santa on ME. I told her she did not have his number. She then got out the phone book.

When I questioned her about what she was telling on me for, she said it was a "secwet"

Oh, its a secret huh? Well Santa does not like it when people tell him other peoples secrets..cuz that means your a bad girl and Santa knows he cant trust u anymore..So u go ahead and call him.

she looks puzzled.

I again am in the lead. She will not call Santa on me. She can not use my one and only power.

so she tells me she is going to tell God. She is going to tell God that I am going to tell Santa on her.

I told her " you go right ahead. I don't think God and Santa are friends"

Then she said that God was her frwend and that God makes her smart and cute. And God loves her.

I told her that God can also see when your a bad girl. So she tells me that she is not a bad girl cuz God says so.

Shit...If God is talking to her, I best be on my best behavior, cuz holy shit, I do plan on dying one day, and when me and God meet, I don't want him telling me I was mean to my Boo.

This girl has God on her side, and I, have Santa. Things are not looking good for me.

How did I become a loser in the battle between mom, God and Santa? God is always gonna win. That's the way it goes. Santa gets an unfair count against him. Santa has no power. Santa does not ultimately decide your fate. All Santa does is break into houses, steal cookies and a drink, and litter your house with wrappings that will later be so piled high u wont be able to walk thru your living room. He works once a year, bringing false hope to moms like me. Moms like me need the power of Santa to keep ingrate kids in line. The power of Santa use to be a brighter star in our solar system. But hell, look what they did to Pluto, kicked his ass right out of there.

I am not sure what to make of this whole mess.

Boo thinks that just because she sat on the fat mans lap that she has some sort of pull with him. Like she has met some kind of celebrity.

I hate Santa.

Now she is throwing God in my face, "her and God are friends, and I got no friends, and my life sucks ass, and Santa isn't gonna get my sinning soul to heaven and I will be the one looking a fool when I am concentrating on Santa when she is friends with The Big Guy,,"..blah blah blah

This is why I shoulda just had a gold fish bowl. I shoulda been a fish breeder instead of a human breeder. Wanna know why? Cuz I suck ass at being a mom. Instead of telling my kids to be good because they need to impress God and Jesus, I am telling them they need to impress Santa, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy.

I prefer it this way.

I will be glad when this damn holiday is over. I can not believe the mess we have made of Christmas.To save me some money, I should only buy Jesus a present. I mean, why am I buying shit for other people, when they have nothing to do with the reason we buy stuff. What do my kids getting the "it" toys have to do with Christmas? What does me spending about 1500 on gifts for my kids have to do with Jesus? Someone tell me.

I coulda bought myself something mighty good with all the money I have spent. I like stuff. I like stuff when its mine best of all.

I hate Christmas.

And what does an ugly ass tree in my house dropping needles onto my floor and needing constant water have to do with Jesus?

What does Christmas lights on the outside of my house running up my bill and somehow causing the Earth to implode on itself in one million years have to do with Jesus?

Man, Mick Jagger is one ugly son of a bitch aint he?

sorry I got side tracked...I am watching vh-1 classic...Man, he is a dog...A woofer..

ok, moving on..

Anyway, I forget what my whole point was...

doesn't even really matter, as it had nothing really to do with Jesus I am assuming.

~
On a side note, this week at blondies school is the holiday party I am in charge of. I have not got a note from the teacher as to what my roll is going to be in said party. Do I bring the cookies, the Jack and coke? I don't know...

I am still kicking myself in the ass for not reading the fine print before singing up for a damn party.

If I would of taken the 5 seconds it would of taken me to read it, I woulda seen that the first person who signs up for the holiday is " the blum faced sucker who is in charge of the whole golldarn shindig"....And I hate shindigs.

I swear I am never signing myself for anything anymore unless its some sort of 12 step program..

on anything.

I am assuming I can fall into the category of nearly any 12 step program.

all that glitters is gold, and she is buying a stair way to heaven

there is s sign on the wall and she wants to be sure because you know that sometimes words have no meaning..

I need to stop watching vh-1 while typing..

but what the hell does this song mean anyway?

I think these boys were high when they wrote most of their crap.

Ok, this post is going no where real fast. Kinda like my career and my life.

On the bright side, Mr Shaky told me we are moving to Columbia ,South Carolina.

whats there you ask?....Its a big fat secret I guess...No snow, that's about all I can tell you for damn sure. That's A-OK in my book.

And just for the record, no I am not drunk or high, but thanks for asking.

Bee Real