free bird

I thought I would take a few minutes and crap out a real post from my anal cavity for u.

Lets see, where to start...well I have had a pretty shitty week. Go figure.

I am just grateful I listened to my gut and came here. I mean if I would of waited even a few more hours/days...I would of missed everything. My grandpa would of never seen me or my kids again...

I walked into his hospital room Monday night and he looked at me and said " well what are you doing here?" I said to him.." no, what the hell are U doing here?"

He did not look good, and was breathing hard, but not in any condition I thought to die anytime soon. I went back up to see him Monday night and I swear to God he was fine, he looked and sounded better then a few hours before...In fact, he was joking around and being his normal self....I felt very confident when I left that night that would be seeing him the next day and the day after....and after..

Well it did not work out that way. I got up to the hospital at 645 am to see him laying in his bed struggling to breath. I held his hand, rubbed his leg, and tried hard not looking at him, as it brought tears to my eyes. His eyes were open, but had no sparkle to them..I looked in his eyes, and for the first time, I didn't see grandpa. As I look at him, I feel very confused. I want him to die, only because I can not stomach watching him gasp for air...but I don't want him to die, I want him to get better..come out of it some how.

Well at around 11am, I held his hand as he took his last breath. He was surrounded by family..Me, my dad, my grandpa, my aunt, my uncle, his brother, his sister, and mr shaky...It was one of the worst days ever in my life...

I was glad to see him not suffering, but the selfish part of me, was mad...Mad because I would never get to go to the casino with him again, mad that he wouldn't be around to do anything with me anymore...No more fishing, no more eating peanuts, no more stories...He always had stories..I musta heard some of the same stories 100 times in my life...Either he thought the story was THAT funny or amusing, or he liked torturing me with the same shit...It didn't matter, I always listened.

What makes me sick inside is I know his mind was all there up until the end..I can not imagine knowing your dying, the feeling, the thoughts going thru your mind..

At one time he was getting antsy, I went up to his face , took off his O2 mask and asked if he needed anything...I asked if he was cold, he had no blanket, and it was chilly in there...

He looked at me and shook his head no...

I did not know what to do...I hated being in that situation..

I am glad its over...I am glad he is not suffering.

Oh and this would only happen to me, during visitation at the funeral home Thursday the whole town lost power...For nine hours.

Wanna know why...

A squirrel got caught in the power station, or whatever the hell u call it.

Only at my grandpa's showing, would the whole city lose power because of a squirrel.

I kid u not...I cant make this stuff up people.

I want to thank the ones who sent flowers, my close friends and such...It meant a lot to see flowers from u guys up there...and I am in the process of writing thank you cards...

Lets see what else..

Oh lets talk about the weather...

Back home its around 95-100....

here....it has not hit 80 since I have been here..I am so being cheated out of summer.

My mom calls me and rubs it in.

oh, its so hot, I cant even breath when I go outside, I can fry an egg on the sidewalk..

shit..figures..

I feel outta place..I hate depending on people for shelter and such..

I try to go from house to house...

Don't want to burden my dad and his new wife, I mean I know what newlyweds like to do...and I don't want any part in them not being able to make whoppie when they wanna.

So I have been staying with my lesbian friend too..

She is now going to the Lep show with me next week.

Me and the lesbian are hitting a rock show, at least I am for certain she wont be fighting me for one of them..

Well, I am done...I wont post again until I get home which will be somewhere around August 5th or 6th..

I will try and come and comment and stuff..I don't want anyone thinking I have forgotten them, nor do i want any of u to forget lil ole me..

I will be in touch...

Keep flipping...( for the love of God please keep kicking)