slow down, hold on, much to fast

Dear United States Postal Service,

This is a formal complaint from me to you. I have not sent a formal letter even when you left Christmas packages on a porch in the pouring rain and I did not see it for two weeks. Not sure why you did not leave it on the front porch..still boggles my mind to this day.

I did not complain when I was expecting a package and find it weeks later in my garage with no letter saying..hey dumb ass, I didn't feel like knocking on your door, soI threw your 500 dollar guitar in the garage next to the empty pop cans and nudey magazines...

ok, before Shaky has a fit, there really are no nudey mags...so there.

So now I am deeply troubled. You see, my poor granny bird sent me some shit thru the mail, because holy shit, you can not fit worldly possessions thru the damn email system...plus she doesn't have an email..

She sent it out two weeks ago and you have yet to deliver it. Not sure if your post men are on strike or if my out of control grass is scaring them.

So today after checking my mail, two things pissed me off.

*no unemployment card...which is not your fault, but I am still blaming u.

*no shit from grandma

So I call your office and ask where my shit is.

have u been getting mail?

if you mean are you delivering my bills in a timely fashion, yes, I am getting mail. If you mean am I getting important stuff that my granny sent me...then no..I am NOT getting my mail.

I am going to put you on hold and see if we have anything here..

Good idea chap...

mam, nothing here

so how to you propose I get my shit ?

well, if whom ever sent it, did not pay full postage, it would of went back..

yes, no shit...are you saying my grandma is a retard and is not capable of walking into the post office and asking for correct postage?

no mam, just saying maybe she did not put enough on.

no sir, she did...the post office took care of it...

well mam, as soon as we get it, you will get it.

hmm, are you sure about that?

yes mam, you have my word..

thats how it went down.

What I don't get,dear postal service,is how my mother can send something to Virgina, a box of shit...and it gets there in three days.

My granny sends something, nothing bigger then a large envelope and you cant get it here in two weeks time?

Oh Mr post man, I am also waiting on something from another human other then granny...which was sent about the same time..

Not sure if its some sort of conspiracay against me...or if its the fact its all coming from Michigan..Maybe your still sore the Tigers whomped your asses last year during the baseball season..

I don't know...but I need my shit.

I am really coming to terms with what "going postal" really means..because holy shit..I am thisclose to throwing rocks thru your windows tonight.

Maybe even getting a fresh roll of TP and decorating .

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Not sure how you plan on rectifying your wrong doings...But I have a few suggestions.

*don't send me crap I don't want..including junk mail and bills

*if any mail comes thru that looks like gifts or cards that may contain money and you can not read the address, just bring it here.

*make sure my unemployment shit comes today....or your gonna pay.

u can take that as a threat if you want

*stop bringing those books my son gets monthly...I am tired of paying for them.

*and last, but not least....I want all postal workers who deliver my mail to wear a postal uniform, what the hell is with the ones who wear street clothes?

So there you have it....If you are willing to comply with my demands, I may or may not throw rocks and pebbles at your windows.

And stop calling my grandma a retard, or I will kick your balls in.

Sincerely,

Flip Flop Momma, and I do have steel toed flops so kicking in your balls is still a go.